Work Jokes

Minds are like parachutes.they only work when they're open
Money is like a promise, easier made than kept

View

Costello:  Hey, Abbott!
Abbot:  Yes, Lou? Costello:  I just got my first computer.
Abbot:  That's great Lou. What did you get? Costello:  A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot:  That's terrific, Lou. Costello:  But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbot:  You will in time. Costello:  That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot:  Oh? Costello:  I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot:  Well, I don't know- Costello:  Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbot:  Really? Costello:  Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot:  O.K. Lou. What do want to know? Costello:  I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot:  That's true. Costello:  So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot:  Well, first you press the Start button, and then- Costello:  No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot:  I know, you press the Start button- Costello:  Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot:  I did. Costello:  When?
Abbot:  When I told you to press the Start button. Costello:  Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot:  To shut off the computer. Costello:  I press Start to stop.
Abbot:  Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer. Costello:  I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot:  Start Costello:  Start what?
Abbot:  Start button. Costello:  Start button to do what?
Abbot:  Shut down. Costello:  You don't have to get rude!
Abbot:  No, no, no! That's not what I meant. Costello:  Then say what you mean.
Abbot:  To shut down the computer, press- Costello:  Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot:  Then what do you want me to say? Costello:  Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot:  But that's what you do. Costello:  And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot:  Don't be ridiculous. Costello:  I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbot:  What are you talking about? Costello:  I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
Costello:  Hey, Abbott!
Abbot:  Yes, Lou?
Costello:  I just got my first computer.
Abbot:  That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello:  A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot:  That's terrific, Lou.
Costello:  But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbot:  You will in time.
Costello:  That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot:  Oh?
Costello:  I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot:  Well, I don't know-
Costello:  Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbot:  Really?
Costello:  Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot:  O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello:  I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot:  That's true.
Costello:  So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot:  Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello:  No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot:  I know, you press the Start button-
Costello:  Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot:  I did.
Costello:  When?
Abbot:  When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello:  Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot:  To shut off the computer.
Costello:  I press Start to stop.
Abbot:  Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello:  I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot:  Start
Costello:  Start what?
Abbot:  Start button.
Costello:  Start button to do what?
Abbot:  Shut down.
Costello:  You don't have to get rude!
Abbot:  No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello:  Then say what you mean.
Abbot:  To shut down the computer, press-
Costello:  Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot:  Then what do you want me to say?
Costello:  Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot:  But that's what you do.
Costello:  And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot:  Don't be ridiculous.
Costello:  I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbot:  What are you talking about?
Costello:  I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

View

A man got in a taxi cab to be driven to work. They were about to turn a corner, but had to wait for the light. The taxi cab driver wasn’t sure his blinkers were working so he said to the man "will you look out the window and make sure my blinkers are working?" As requested, the man stuck his head out the window and responded "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..."

View

Why are blacks like bicycles?
They don’t work without chains.

View

Part I
WHAT THE NEW JOB-LINGO REALLY MEANS by Dede Molter


"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control.

View

My interviewer leaned back in his chair and said, “Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here.” ….

“But I never went to college,” I replied. …

“Well then, I’m sorry. You are underqualified to work here,” he said, as he showed me the door.

View

When I die I want all the people I’ve ever worked with on group projects to lower me in the ground, just so they can let me down one last time

View

Did a sexual harassment course earlier today at work. I think I’m going to be really good at it.

View

I work to buy a car to go to work.

View

Job interview in a psychiatry:
So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people?
-
I’ve been on facebook for 5 years now.
-
Very good, the job is yours.

View