Women Jokes

Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.

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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated."
What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go.
I didn't realize you were a cop."

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A very ugly man walking down the street comes across a most beautiful expensively dressed woman. She asks him please come with me; I have a job for you. Being the first time that any woman talked to him he was flabbergasted. He blindly follows her and ends up in a goldsmith's shop. Pointing to the ugly guy the woman tells the goldsmith "looks like this one" and she leaves the shop without a word to the ugly man. Confused, the ugly man tells the goldsmith the story and asks him if he has the slightest idea on why he was brought to him. The goldsmith says, well, it may be disturbing to know that she wanted a ring made for her with a devils face on it. I told her I had never seen a devil before

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ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:
* 12% Monday
* 23% Tuesday
* 40% Wednesday
* 20% Thursday
* 5% Friday

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question... or is it?

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

If women can have PMS, then why can't men have ESPN?

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw a great party.

REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If you run out of sick days, call in dead.

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it"

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Q: What do you call a woman that knows where her husband is 24/7?
A: A WIDOW!!!!!

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The phone rings; she answers. The party on the other end hangs up. What the first thing y'all say, ladies? 'That was your woman on the phone.' Happened to me one day. I'm leaving home. My girl said, 'Tell your bitch I said hello.' I said, 'Hello!'

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They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage is love; after marriage is self-defense.

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Dear men, if you stopped seeing your wife as a woman, it doesn't mean that all men are blind.

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Three Vicars and their wives are all killed in the same accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter tells the first Vicar: “You’ll have to go through Purgatory first - I know you’re a vicar, but you loved booze. That’s why you married a woman named Brandy.” So they go off, and St Peter tells the second vicar: “You’ll have to go through Purgatory first - I know you’re a vicar, but you loved money. That’s why you married a woman named Penny.” When they go, St Peter tells the third vicar: “You’ll have to go through Purgatory first…” The third vicar replies: “I know,” turns to his wife and says: “Come on, Fanny.”

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What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man?
Answer: “Lazy.”

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