Women Jokes

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly starts to leave.
“Wait,” says the woman. “You owe me money,”
“For what?”
The woman rolls her eyes and explains, “I’m a prostitute.”
The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: “Prostitute: Has sex for money.”
The panda says, “I don’t have to pay you. I’m a panda - look it up.” She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.
The woman looks up “panda” in the dictionary. It says, “Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”

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Women are the quickest to learn the three R’s. This is R’s, that’s R’s, everything’s R’s.

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Staggering through town late last night, when I came across a group of women out celebrating.
I shouted the usual for a laugh, “Show me your tits, girls!”
To my surprise all of them obliged giving me a quick flash before replying back, “Show us your nuts, handsome!”
So, I started licking the lamp post and waving my arms about.

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There was a boy who couldn't say words properly, but his mum still trusted the boy to go shopping.
"son i need you to buy us a bun, a bucket and a cocker spaniel"
the boy said "ok be right back"

So the boy went to the bakery store and he went to the man in the front and asked "sir do you have a bum?" the man said " you mean a bun?"
and the boy said "yes a bum." so he bought it and moved on to the next store, he asked the man working there, "sir can i have a f*cket?" and the man said "ohh~~ do you mean a 'bucket'?" and so the boy doesn't bother and says "yes, a f*cket..."
He goes to the pet store and asks "Do you have a cock and spankit?", the owner said, "excuse me? do you mean a cocker spaniel" the boy just says "yes a cock and spankit..." so recieved all of the items that his mum told him to buy.

He moves onto the bus stop waiting for the bus, a woman was next to him smiling to him nicely, finally the bus came, he entered the bus and noticed he was missing an item, he was missing the cocker spaniel, it was still at the bus stop, so he says to the woman "excuse me, Can you hold onto my bum and f*cket, while i get my cock and spankit...."

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I went on the Splash Mountain roller coaster and the woman next to me wouldn’t stop screaming her fool head off. …
Seriously, it was like she’d never seen a pεnis before.

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A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!
One day, the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. “You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn’t take a genius to work out what has been going on!”
The missionary replies: “No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”
The chief pauses for a moment then says, “Tell you what, you don’t say anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the white child.”

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One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local pharmacy. And while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for my seven-year-old son and me.
It was a bag of gold coins (gold foil-covered chocolate candy coins).
There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home. Then my son and I opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.
The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that our son had picked up a Gold Coin condom. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the pharmacist: “What’s this?”
The woman, looking very serious, said: “That’s a condom, son.”
To which my son replied: “My daddy bought me some of these yesterday!”
With a disgusted look on her face, the pharmacist replied: “Those are NOT for children, young man.”
And finally, my son replied: “Then I’ll buy this one for my Daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones!”
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They say a woman’s work is never done.
Maybe that’s why they get paid less.

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Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men? No phone numbers.

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What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? "Honey, I'm home!"

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