Women Jokes

“Young woman,” said the judge, “this court is going to see to it that you receive one thousand dollars a month in alimony.
“Thanks,” the husband spoke up, “and I’ll try to give her a few bucks myself.”

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A police officer stopped a driver for speeding.
"Can I see your driving license?"
"I don’t have it, I had it removed because of point system."
"Can I see your license for the vehicle?"
"But it is not my car, I stole it."
"Stole it?"
"Right, let me think, I think I saw the permition before in the glove box when I put my gun in there."
"There is a gun in the car?"
"Yes sir, I put it right there, when I shot and killed the woman driving this car and then put the body back to the trunk."
"There is a corpse in a car?"
"Right, sir."

After all these he calls the police chief.
And soon the car gets surrounded by police.
The captain approaches the driver to handle the situation.
"Sir, can I see your qualification?"
"Of course, ultimately, there it is."
"In fact, it’s OK, and to whom does the car belong to?"
"It is mine, there is my license as well."
"uld you open the glove box, is there a gun inside?"
"Of course, take a look, there is nothing."
"Do you mind opening the trunk too? They told me that you put a body in there."
"No problem, take a look."
"Empty too! But I do not understand, the officer who stopped you told us that you said that you did not have a driving license, that you stole the car, that you had a gun in the glove box and that there was a dead body in the trunk."
"Oh right! I bet he told you that I was running and speeding!"

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A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, Silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “Paw, What’s ‘at?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
“Boy, go git yo Momma….”

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A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy.
A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks.
He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"

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A funeral service was being held for a young woman who had just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket. They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled, "Watch out for that wall!"

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God and Adam Are Discussing Women…
Adam says to God, “God, why did you make women so soft?”
God says, “So that you will like them.”
Adam says, “God, why did you make women so warm and cuddly?”
God says, “So that you will like them.”
Adam says to God, “But, God, why did you make them so stupid?”
God says, “So that they will like you.”

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Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

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One day a man walks into a whore house. He goes to the pimp and says, “I want
something different.”
The pimp says “Well, we have one girl that loves to take it up the ass.”
“No, that’s too common. I want something different.”
“Well, have you ever tried a Hurricane Gussy?”
“I’ll be damned, that is different. I’ll try that.”
The man goes up to the room and takes off his clothes. A minute later a huge
Amazon type women comes in. She starts jumping up and down, blowing as hard as
she can. The man says, “What the hell are you doing?”
“I’m Hurricane Gussy and that is the wind coming from the Hurricane.”
“OK, I’ll buy that.”
Then she starts beating him over the head with her breasts.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“Those are the coconuts nuts falling off the tree hittin’ you on the head.”
The man says alright. Then she stands over top of him and starts pissing all
over him. “What the hell are you doing?!!”
“Those are the warm rains coming from the hurricane.”
The man gets up and starts to put on his clothes. Gussy says, “Where are you
going?”
“I’m leaving!! Who can fcuk in this weather?!”

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A guy meets an attractive woman at a bar. After a few drinks he invites her over to his place. She answers by saying it depends on what they'll be riding in on the way over there.

He says, "I’ll give you a few hints. The chauffeur drives, the vehicle costs over $300 thousand dollars, and I’d like to surprise you with the rest of details should you decide to accept my invitation."

She happily accepted and he led her outside. She reacts, "Hey wait a minute! we’re at the bus stop!"

"Surprise!"

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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested
no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, and I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

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