A man walks into a bar. Bartender asks what'll have.
Man replies "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".
Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks.
All night, each time the bartender asks for his order the man says "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".
Finally the bartender asks the man what trouble he's talking about.
The man says "Give me a beer and I might just tell you".
The bartender replies, "Sorry, you've had your limit for the night".
The man says "Ohh, now the trouble starts"..
The following conversation took place at McDonalds between a stoned guy and a clerk.
Guy: “Can I have a McChicken sandwich, a pack of 20 cigarettes and a bottle of whiskey please.”
Clerk: “Sir this is McDonalds.”
Guy: “Ok sorry, I meant McCigarettes and McWhiskey.”
A Russian, a Mexican, and a Texan are hanging out in a bar. The Russian tosses up a whiskey bottle and says, "We have a lot of these back home." The Texan tosses up the Mexican and says, "We have a lot of these back home."
The perfect martini starts with pouring gin, vermouth, and olives into the trash where they belong.
Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & d*ed.
"All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?"
"Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."
Whiskey will turn you into Cinderella. You'll leave the house looking all fly and spend the night dancing away. But by the end of the night you're just a hot mess missing her shoe.
My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Night Out With The Guys!
Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’
Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?
’‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.
This is my position, and I will not compromise."
My Chinese friend recently told me he smuggles large amounts of cheap alcohol from China. Apparently it’s a ‘whiskey’ business.