Sick Jokes

When I was a kid, my family was very poor…
One afternoon I remember my dad was preparing supper and was cutting up Onions and our whole family was crying.
Poor Onions.
He was such a good dog…

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Three Jokes for the Price of One …..
(1) Why did Princess Diana cross the road? …
She wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. …
(2) Did you hear that Princess Diana was on the radio after her death? …
….and the dashboard, and the steering wheel, and the windshield. …

(3) How do we know Princess Diana had dandruff? …
She left her head and shoulders on the windshield.

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After my wife died, I told my daughter she had to take on her mother’s responsibilities. Including in the bedroom.
So later that night, she told me she had a headache and went to sleep.

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I wrote a book called ‘My permanently exposed penis’.
It’s out now.

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Let’s test the way you think :-
thepenisinhermouth.
Did you read ‘the pen is in her mouth’?
Nah, me neither.

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A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, “Wife, we’re going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog.”
The wife grimaces, “But I don’t like fishing!”
“Look! We’re going fishing and that’s final.”
“Do I have to go fishing with you… I really don’t want to go!”
“Right I’ll give you three choices… 1 You come fishing with me and the dog… 2 You give me a blowjob…. 3 or you take it up the arse ”
The wife grimaces again, “But I don’t want to do any of those things!”
“Wife I’ve given you three options.. You’ll HAVE to do one of them! I’m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!”
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, “Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, blowjob, or anal?”
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, “O.K. I’ll give you a blowjob!”
“Great!” He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, “Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting… It tastes all shitty!”
“Yes!” says her husband “The dog didn’t want to go either.”

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What’s the difference between an oral and an anal thermometer?
The taste

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• He can open your blouse by himself.
• While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
• He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
• He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
• He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
• Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
• After each feeding, he has a smoke.
• He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
• You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to “Dueling Banjos.”
• Beard abrasions on areola.

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What’s the worst thing about eating vegetables?
The wheelchair.

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Cannibal Husband - I don’t like your Mother. ….
….
Cannibal Wife- Try the potatoes.

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