Sex Jokes

Bigamy is having one wife too many, but so is monogamy.

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One day a man walks into a whore house. He goes to the pimp and says, “I want
something different.”
The pimp says “Well, we have one girl that loves to take it up the ass.”
“No, that’s too common. I want something different.”
“Well, have you ever tried a Hurricane Gussy?”
“I’ll be damned, that is different. I’ll try that.”
The man goes up to the room and takes off his clothes. A minute later a huge
Amazon type women comes in. She starts jumping up and down, blowing as hard as
she can. The man says, “What the hell are you doing?”
“I’m Hurricane Gussy and that is the wind coming from the Hurricane.”
“OK, I’ll buy that.”
Then she starts beating him over the head with her breasts.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“Those are the coconuts nuts falling off the tree hittin’ you on the head.”
The man says alright. Then she stands over top of him and starts pissing all
over him. “What the hell are you doing?!!”
“Those are the warm rains coming from the hurricane.”
The man gets up and starts to put on his clothes. Gussy says, “Where are you
going?”
“I’m leaving!! Who can fcuk in this weather?!”

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A man is walking in London, when it suddenly starts raining so he takes shelter in a peek-a-boo sex shop and pays $50 to get in. He’s then confronted by 3 doors.
They read “Blonde”, “Brunette” and “Black”. He chooses “Blonde”, only to be confronted by 3 more doors reading “Small Tits”, “Medium Tits” or “Big Tits”.
This time he chooses “Big Tits” only to be again confronted with 3 more doors reading “Small Cunt”, “Large Cunt”, “Wet Cunt”.
Somewhat excited now, he chooses “Wet Cunt”, pushes his way through the door, and finds himself back out in the rain.

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A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"
"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."
"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”
“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.
Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”
“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number

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A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly starts to leave.
“Wait,” says the woman. “You owe me money,”
“For what?”
The woman rolls her eyes and explains, “I’m a prostitute.”
The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: “Prostitute: Has sex for money.”
The panda says, “I don’t have to pay you. I’m a panda - look it up.” She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.
The woman looks up “panda” in the dictionary. It says, “Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”

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Jill had been divorced for a few years and, very lonely, finally consented to going out on a date with John, the gentleman her son fixed her up with.
John picked her up and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot.
John also had been divorced for a long time and found himself very attracted to Jill, and despite her resistance at first to his advances, he finally was able to make love to her.
Jill was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed, “I don’t know how I can face my son, knowing that in a time of weakness I sinned twice!”
John said, “What do you mean ‘twice’? We only did it once!”
Jill looked at John and said, “Well, we’re going to do it again, aren’t we?

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*Black couple having Sex*
Black Guy: Who’s Your Daddy!?! Who’s YOUR DADDY!?!?!
Black Girl: I don’t know
Black Guy: Same here

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Naomi was becoming frustrated with her husband Thomas frequent demand for sex, she then decided to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the number of times they’ll have to make love for the rest of their marriage.
While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper,
“Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter ‘T’, to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don’t be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you.”
On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accept her proposal when he reads it.
Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator
and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband Thomas and the note read,
“Baby, I didn’t realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I’m sorry.I accept your proposal and have even taken an extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter ‘T’ to make sure that we are on the same page.
1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TOMORROW
Please honey. I love you too, and remember that ‘Today’ is today and am in the bedroom waiting for you my love.”

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Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won’t give in?
A: “Have another beer.”
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?
Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

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