Just because a frog is green, does that mean its Irish?
That is correct. Because when you look at it when its a baby, it looks a tad-polish!
I stumbled out of the pub at one o’clock last night. I was starving, so I got my phone out, pressed a button and said, “OK Google; Where is the nearest kebab shop?”
After a few seconds, the voice said, “Fcuk off, Dad. I’ve got work in the morning.”
DEPT OF STATISTICS:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in.
The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
DEPT OF HISTORY:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
DEPT OF RELIGION:
Grade is determined by God.
DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
What is a grade?
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
Grades are variable.
DEPT OF LOGIC:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
Random number generator determines grade.
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
Everybody gets an A.
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
WhatsApp kept crashing on my phone, so I downloaded something called ‘The Bugs Bunny’ to sort it out.
It’s a WhatsApp Doc.
Signs that scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food:
*Your hot dog just fetched its own ketchup and relish.
*You spot the tell-tale signs of a primitive central nervous system in you Jell-O.
*Chocchini: looks like zucchini, tastes like a chocolate Ding Dong.
*The black-eyed peas on your fork just winked at you.
*Every time you pour a glass of orange juice, your garage door goes up.