-I walk in after a bad lesson-
Ass: You look like you just had a fight with a lawn mower, lost then had a mortal comeback with god and he gave you light.
Me:Wow you described yourself without a mirror
There was a father who called his 5 small children together.
As the sat together in a circle on the floor the dad placed a toy in the middle.
He explained to them that he won this toy as a door prize and he wanted to give it to one of them.
He asked them "who is the most obedient?"
Five sets of eyes looked up at him.
Sensing that they didn’t understand the word he then asked, "ok, who always obeys mommy, and does everything she says?"
One of the children picked up the toy and handed it to the father. "You win!" exclaimed the child.
Im not saying she's a slut, I'm just saying I've seen her vagina on dirty jobs.
Patient: "Doctor, I have to ask a personal question, if you don’t mind. Why do you charge fees much lower than other doctors?"
Doctor: "You see, I am not a M.B.B.S. I am only a B.Sc."
When a doctor remarked on a new patient’s extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, “high blood pressure, Doc. It runs in my family.”
“Your mother’s side or your father’s?” the doctor asked. “Neither,” the patient replied. “It’s from my wife’s family.” “Oh, come now,” said the doctor “How could your wife’s family give you high blood pressure?” He sighed. “You oughta meet’em sometime, Doc!”
A chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore.
The chemist and the physicist comes up with many ingenious ways to open the can.
Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener..."
Bigamy is having one wife too many, but so is monogamy.
An American tourist asks an Irishman: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the Irishman replies: “If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the bloody boat.”
My father, a retired factory worker, keeps reminiscing about the "good 'ol days" of his younger years.
Then without skipping a beat, he'll say something like, "but it really isn't so bad nowadays."
Then he goes right back to how nice he had it as a teenager back in the 60's.
Then, right away it's back to the present, with "but technology today makes everything so much easier."
It's back and forth, back and forth from the present to the past, past to the present.
"You know dad," I finally told him, "you're nothing but a baby boomerang!"
Mother: Come on Pete you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for the college.
Peter: O mum do I have to, all the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me too.
Mother: Yes you do.
Peter: Give me a good reason
Mother: You're 52 and you are the Principal!