The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
I read this article recently that, officially, one in three people in New York are Latino. So if you look to your left and you look to your right, and neither one of those people look Hispanic, folks -- you're, in fact, a Latino.
I did think about adopting -- an 18-year-old girl from Thailand, whose hobbies include vacuuming and some light dusting.
A woman from another country wants to come to the United States. So she goes to the visa department to get a visa. When she gets the form, she fills out her name.
Her first name is ''Wanna'' and her last name, ''Fuckme.''
The visa guy reads over the application and says, ''I'm sorry I can't accept this name. It's inappropriate and you're going to have to change it.''
So, the woman leaves, and is gone for a month and when she returns, she fills out the same form again.
She writes her first name, ''Wanna,'' and her last name ''Fuckme-Please.'''
Racism is going to end. 'Cause the way we're messing with the ozone layers, soon all white people are going to be black.
A soldier in my National Guard platoon became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit. "It’s not going to work for me," he said, panicked.
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because I use my Guard pay for spending money."
"For the past ten years, I’ve been telling my wife that I serve for free!"
I went to doctors today and told him “I’ve got a problem, every time I finish masturbating I sing the American national anthem”.
The doctor said, “Don’t worry, a lot of wankers sing that”.
A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..."