Miscellaneous Jokes

T he sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.
The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, “I can’t believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!”
The magistrate looked at him and replied, “And you must be what’s passing through.”

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“Young woman,” said the judge, “this court is going to see to it that you receive one thousand dollars a month in alimony.
“Thanks,” the husband spoke up, “and I’ll try to give her a few bucks myself.”

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Minds are like parachutes.they only work when they're open
Money is like a promise, easier made than kept

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I want to get a tattoo, but I don’t want to get something that’s going to look stupid when I’m older. So I’m getting “World’s Sexiest Grandpa”.

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Q: Did you hear about the logger that went to Alaska?
A: He came back a husky f**ker.

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Costello:  Hey, Abbott!
Abbot:  Yes, Lou? Costello:  I just got my first computer.
Abbot:  That's great Lou. What did you get? Costello:  A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot:  That's terrific, Lou. Costello:  But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbot:  You will in time. Costello:  That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot:  Oh? Costello:  I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot:  Well, I don't know- Costello:  Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbot:  Really? Costello:  Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot:  O.K. Lou. What do want to know? Costello:  I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot:  That's true. Costello:  So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot:  Well, first you press the Start button, and then- Costello:  No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot:  I know, you press the Start button- Costello:  Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot:  I did. Costello:  When?
Abbot:  When I told you to press the Start button. Costello:  Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot:  To shut off the computer. Costello:  I press Start to stop.
Abbot:  Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer. Costello:  I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot:  Start Costello:  Start what?
Abbot:  Start button. Costello:  Start button to do what?
Abbot:  Shut down. Costello:  You don't have to get rude!
Abbot:  No, no, no! That's not what I meant. Costello:  Then say what you mean.
Abbot:  To shut down the computer, press- Costello:  Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot:  Then what do you want me to say? Costello:  Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot:  But that's what you do. Costello:  And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot:  Don't be ridiculous. Costello:  I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbot:  What are you talking about? Costello:  I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
Costello:  Hey, Abbott!
Abbot:  Yes, Lou?
Costello:  I just got my first computer.
Abbot:  That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello:  A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot:  That's terrific, Lou.
Costello:  But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbot:  You will in time.
Costello:  That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot:  Oh?
Costello:  I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot:  Well, I don't know-
Costello:  Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbot:  Really?
Costello:  Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot:  O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello:  I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot:  That's true.
Costello:  So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot:  Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello:  No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot:  I know, you press the Start button-
Costello:  Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot:  I did.
Costello:  When?
Abbot:  When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello:  Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot:  To shut off the computer.
Costello:  I press Start to stop.
Abbot:  Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello:  I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot:  Start
Costello:  Start what?
Abbot:  Start button.
Costello:  Start button to do what?
Abbot:  Shut down.
Costello:  You don't have to get rude!
Abbot:  No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello:  Then say what you mean.
Abbot:  To shut down the computer, press-
Costello:  Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot:  Then what do you want me to say?
Costello:  Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot:  But that's what you do.
Costello:  And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot:  Don't be ridiculous.
Costello:  I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbot:  What are you talking about?
Costello:  I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

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Did you know the most difficult job in the US Military is being a Navy Pilot?
I guess it is really hard to make the boats fly!

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Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden, and Uncle Sam were walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie popped out. “I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes total." The Canadian said, “I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada. I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will someday be a farmer." So with a blink of the genies eye *POOF, the land was forever fertile. Osama bin Laden says, “I want a wall completely surrounding Afghanistan so that no Infidels, Jews, or Americans can get in." Again with a blink of the genies eye *POOF, there was a wall around Afghanistan. Uncle Sam asks, “I’m curious about this wall, please tell me more." "Well" says the genie, “the wall is about 15,000 feet high and 500 feet thick, it is practically impenetrable." So Uncle Sam says, “Fill it with water."

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Whenever I see you there is a smile on my face. And by smile I meant I laugh.

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What do you do when an idiot throws a grenade at you?
Answer:Pull the pin and throw it back

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