Marriage Jokes

My wife accused me of being a bad father when I refused to check under our three year-old son’s bed after he cried about monsters under his bed.
How ridiculous, if I was such a bad father then I wouldn’t have shared my LSD with him in the first place.

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Wife: I dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear?
Husband: Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $500.00

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Husband: Don’t put that money in your mouth. There are germs on it.
Wife: Don’t be silly. Even a germ can’t live on the money you make.

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Sardar Ji's wife was lying on her deathbed, and taking his hand lovingly in her own, she said " Sardar Ji, I want you to get married after I die, don’t mope around alone. But promise me you will not give my clothes to her. Keep them to remind you of our golden days together"
" No I won't " said the sardar" in any case Kalpana is a head taller than you"

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When I saw my ex-wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together.
Fucking miserable.

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A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret Store to purchase a negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price - the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), ‘I have an idea, it’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refunded for myself.
‘ She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose and another, then another…..
The husband says, ‘Good Grief! “You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!’
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested
no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, and I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

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Ladies and gentlemen, if there's anybody here this afternoon who's feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it's probably because you have just got married to (NAME).

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My wife installed a mirror over our bed. She said she likes to watch herself laugh.

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I fell in love with my wife at second sight.
The first time I didn’t know she had money.

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