Lawyer Jokes

What do you call an honest lawyer?
An oxymoron.

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An airliner is having engine trouble.
The pilot instructs the cabin crew to prepare for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later the pilot asks the flight attendants if everyone is buckled in and ready.
‘All set back here, Captain,’ comes the reply.
‘Except one lawyer.
He’s still going around passing out business cards.’

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Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, lawyer is always the third thing they look up?
Because the first thing a child looks up is dog.
The second is snake.
And under snake, the encyclopedia says See Lawyer.

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A man walked into a lawyer's office.
"How much does your advice cost?" he asked the lawyer.
"Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "And what was your third question?"

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A man was involved in an auto accident. A policeman ran up to the car and asked, "Are you seriously injured?" The man said, "How should I know? I'm a doctor not a lawyer."

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A recently widow says to her friend, “Oh don’t talk to me about lawyers”
“I’ve had so much trouble settling my late husband’s estate that I sometimes whish he hadn’t died….”

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Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died? He was looking for loopholes!

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What do you call Satan and a lawyer?
Twins!

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A man needing some legal help walks into a law firm. He asks an attorney,
"If I give you $300 per hour to help answer two legal problems I have, will you help me?" The attorney replies "Sure, what's the other question?"

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How many lawyers dose it take to change a light bulb?
3, 1 to climb the ladder, 1 to shake it, and 1 to sue the ladder company.

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