Jokes for Kids

After years of using the same perfumes, I decided to try something different and settled on a light, citrusy fragrance.

The next day I was surprised when it was my little boy, not my husband, who first noticed the change.

As he put his arms around me, he declared, "Wow Mom, you smell just like Froot Loops!"

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A father sends a small boy to bed. Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

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ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:
* 12% Monday
* 23% Tuesday
* 40% Wednesday
* 20% Thursday
* 5% Friday

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question... or is it?

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

If women can have PMS, then why can't men have ESPN?

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw a great party.

REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If you run out of sick days, call in dead.

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it"

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Billy and Tommy were watching a boat pull a man on skis across the lake.
“What makes that boat go so fast?” asked little Billy.
It’s because that man on the string is chasing it,” said Tommy.

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One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, "Hey, Mommy! Mommy!
Today in school we learned to count.
The other kids could only count to three but I can count to Ten..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
The mother responds, "Very good honey."
The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?"
And the mother responds, "Yes dear."
Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs!
The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"
The mother says, "Very good honey."
The blonde then asked.
"Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
The mother responds, "Yes dear."
The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming!
But I was the only one who had breasts.
Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."

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Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.

Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."

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Kid: your ugly

Me: *sneez* sorry i am alergic to bullshit

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Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron”.
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”
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A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
“I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
“A beer please, and one for the road.”
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Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
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“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“It’s Not Unusual.”
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An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
“My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.”
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
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I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
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A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, “Doctor,doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms!”
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
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An announcement at the local ice skating rink: "Will the lady that left 6 kids on the ice rink, please pick them up. THEY ARE MAKING OUR PROFESSIONAL HOCKEY TEAM LOOK BAD!"

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See, the rules have changed, men. It's a different world. I've got a mini van. My father never had a minivan. I grew up in the late 60s, early 70s. He had a '68 Chrysler with vinyl seats, he made a turn -- my brother and I were hanging out of the window. He didn't care. He was trying to lose us.

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