Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A: A pine-apple.
Q: What's a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
Marvin has a binging problem which happens to him every year the day after Thanksgiving.
"Why must you gorge yourself on leftovers?" his wife asked. "Don't you have any self-control?"
"What are you worried about?" Marvin replied. "I can quit cold turkey!"
I think the holidays are important because that's when you go home and do some alcoholic drinking and compulsive overeating with your dysfunctional families.
Just before Easter, I remarked to my husband that with the children grown and away from home, this was the first year that we hadn’t dyed eggs and had an Easter-egg hunt.
“That’s all right, honey,” he said. “We can just hide each other’s vitamin pills.”
What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve? They go into town and blow a few bucks.
A little kid was out trick-or-treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He rang a house's doorbell and the door was opened by a lady. "Oh, how cute! A little pirate! And where are your buccaneers?" she asked. The boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."
Why is Christmas like a day at the office?
Because, you do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Five Ways To Shake Up Thanksgiving
1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing."
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.
3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.
4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.
5. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.