We said to god we would trade justin beiber for michael jackson, but we realized god wouldn't even want justin beiber.......
God and Adam Are Discussing Women…
Adam says to God, “God, why did you make women so soft?”
God says, “So that you will like them.”
Adam says, “God, why did you make women so warm and cuddly?”
God says, “So that you will like them.”
Adam says to God, “But, God, why did you make them so stupid?”
God says, “So that they will like you.”
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they’ll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there is only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, ‘Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity’.
The Angel thanks Dolly,and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, ‘OK, your Majesty, you may go in’.
Dolly is outraged and asks,’What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in!Would you explain that to me?’
‘Sorry, Dolly,’ says the Angel, ‘but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.”
In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida.
Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami.
"Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I’d like a small room for two weeks."
"I’m awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied."
Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.
"What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there’s a room.
"Not so fast, Madam. I’m sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."
"Jewish? Who’s Jewish? I happen to be Catholic."
"I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?"
"Jesus, Son of Mary."
"Where was he born?"
"In a stable."
"And why was he born in a stable?"
"Because a schmuck like you wouldn’t let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!"
I don't want to be younger, I really don't. Every time I look back a couple years, I think, 'God, what a jerk I was.' But with that knowledge comes the realization that I'm a jerk right now. I think that's why old people get real quiet. They're like, 'Man, I'm an idiot. I'm going to just stand right here.'
There was a vampire who sucked people's blood for many centuries.
God was very angry at the vampire and said to him, "You're going to hell!"
The vampire fell to his knees and said, "God, I beg of you, give me one more chance to be good."
Then the vampire said, "I want to be light, fluffy, and white like a cloud."
"That seems easy enough," replied God.
"I would also like to have wings like an angel."
"OK," replied God.
Since God had said yes to all his requests, the vampire decided to ask for a very greedy request.
"God, if possible, could you let me suck a little blood?"
"Sure," replied God, "but only once a month." And he turned the vampire into a maxi pad with wings.
Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother William doesn't have a problem with it.
So one day in Sunday school, Mary thinks, "The hell with it," and decides to go to sleep.
The teacher sees this and asks Mary a question to keep her awake.
"Mary, who created the heavens and the earth?"
William, who is sitting behind Mary, pokes her in the butt with his pencil. Mary wakes up and shouts, "God almighty!"
And the teacher says, "Yes. That's correct, Mary."
Mary goes back to sleep and the teacher asks her another question.
"Who died on the cross for our sins?"
William pokes Mary again. She wakes up and shouts, "Jesus Christ!"
Once again, she goes back to sleep.
This time the teacher asks, "Mary, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
William pokes her again.
Mary wakes up and shouts, "If you don't stop poking me with that thing, I'm gonna break it off!"
So I go to McDonalds to get a drink when I see this fat girl bullying a mentally disabled kid. So I walk up to her.
Me: You know that can happen to any of us, right?
Girl: Well God gave me a mouth to speak with so I'm going to use it
Me: Yeah? Well God gave you a mouth to eat too, but you abused that privilege, didnt ya?
Me: Wipe that ketchup off your chin, too.
Girl: -Wipes chin-
Me: No, your other chin.
It kills me how Jesus doesn't have a stamp yet. Elvis gets a stamp. Jesus doesn't get a stamp? What does the guy have to do for you people?
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
“Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are those?, asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.
“Well, what on the god’s earth are they for?” inquires the Irishman.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.
“Feckin Hell”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything”