A chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore.
The chemist and the physicist comes up with many ingenious ways to open the can.
Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener..."
Wife: I hate that beggar.
Wife: That rascal, yesterday I gave him food and today he gave me a Cookbook!
Does anybody else's grandparents eat the fake food? My grandfather was the worst because he had bad eyes and he was always hungry. I'm in a restaurant one time, we go to the men's room -- my grandfather was standing by the condom machine going, 'Hey, this gum has got no flavor.'
A plowhorse, a honeybee and an old geezer are debating about which of them is the greatest.
The horse says, "I can plow all day long to provide food for dozens of people!"
" The bee says, "I pollinate all the plants every year and make honey besides!"
The old geezer says...
Did you hear the joke about the butter?
I do not think I should tell you because you might spread it around...
One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can’t buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she bought in her dog and she got the dog food.
The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can’t have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food.
Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did.
She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you’re satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!
I could not find a frozen chicken big enough for my family dinner. I asked the young man behind the butcher counter if these chickens got any larger?
He replied, "I'm afraid not, they are all dead."
ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:
* 12% Monday
* 23% Tuesday
* 40% Wednesday
* 20% Thursday
* 5% Friday
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!
To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question... or is it?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
If women can have PMS, then why can't men have ESPN?
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw a great party.
REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If you run out of sick days, call in dead.
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it"