My girlfriend got a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh
Every time I lay my ear on it I can smell the sea.
If I lie there long enough, I get crabs on my forehead.
A college student picked up his date at her parents home.
He’d scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works.
Finally he asked her, “Does your Mother feed you like this at home?”
“No,” she said, “but my Mother’s not looking to get laid.”
What is almost guaranteed to bring her back for more?
It’s called the Australian Kiss.
You kiss the lips that are “Down Under.”
Also known as the Farmer’s Kiss, as you plow the groove with your tongue.
I had been seeing this girl for awhile and I thought I should take things further,
“Tell me,” I said to her, “do you believe in sex after marriage?”
I asked my new girlfriend how many men she has slept with.
She said, “Six. What about you?”
I said, “None, I’m straight.”
If your girlfriend has a friend that annoys you, don’t tell her to stop being friends with her. Just casually mention how pretty she is.
I slipped some rohypnol into my girlfriends drink last night.
It was the best six hours of my life. I finally got to play my PS4 without being interrupted
My girlfriend asked, “Do you want to get married?”
I said, “Sure.”She said, “Great, when?”
I said, “Well like every other guy, when I meet the right girl.”
When I broke up with my girlfriend she started crying and said I was a self-centred bastard.
You should’ve seen the look on my face.
My girlfriend’s dad asked me what I do.
Apparently, “your daughter” wasn’t the answer he was looking for.