A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says.
“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced.
Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Sorted!
They’re coming for Christmas - and they’re paying their own way.
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden, and Uncle Sam were walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie popped out. “I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes total." The Canadian said, “I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada. I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will someday be a farmer." So with a blink of the genies eye *POOF, the land was forever fertile. Osama bin Laden says, “I want a wall completely surrounding Afghanistan so that no Infidels, Jews, or Americans can get in." Again with a blink of the genies eye *POOF, there was a wall around Afghanistan. Uncle Sam asks, “I’m curious about this wall, please tell me more." "Well" says the genie, “the wall is about 15,000 feet high and 500 feet thick, it is practically impenetrable." So Uncle Sam says, “Fill it with water."
A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"
"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."
"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"
Dad: "Can I see your report card, son?"
Son: "I don't have it."
Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."
Little Johnny’s teacher was grading student essays about actual family experiences. She came upon Little Johnny’s paper entitled, “The time my dad told me to jump out of the tree and he would catch me.”
Tearing up his teacher knew she’d been too hard on little Johnny for misbehaving and such. She felt terrible just knowing how hard his life must be. Not wanting to read each painful word she decided to give Little Johnny an 'A' without reading it.
Surprised to see an 'A', Johnny was quite puzzled. He thought to himself, "My teacher couldn’t have like the part when my dad caught me and told me that some people can be trusted. She must have liked the part where I stomped on his big toe and called him a wimp."
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."
“So”, thundered Larry’s furious father, “you’ve been expelled from college, have you?
“Yes, Dad. I am a fugitive from a brain gang.”
Little Johnny runs to his dad and says, "Dad, there's water in the carburetor of the car!"
"How can you be so sure?" the father asks.
"I just know there is," replies Little Johnny.
"Do you even know what a carburetor is?"
"No," says Little Johnny.
"OK, where is the car?"
"In the lake."