Christmas Jokes

‘Man dies after slipping on ice while visiting his mother’s grave on Christmas Day’
Yet another instance of the mayhem a woman can cause by being out of the kitchen.

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Is your name Jingle Bells, cause you look like you go all the way

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Went shopping earlier today and got my wife something for her vaggina as a Christmas present, it’s called ‘DE-ICER’.

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T’WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS        
AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE                          
EVERYBODY FELT SHITTY
EVEN THE MOUSE…    
                                              
               
MUM AT THE WHOREHOUSE
AND DAD SMOKING GRASS
I’D JUST SETTLED DOWN
FOR A NICE PIECE OF ASS
                  
WHEN OUT ON THE LAWN
I HEARD SUCH A CLATTER
I SPRUNG FROM MY PLACE
TO SEE WHAT’S THE MATTER
                   
THEN OUT ON THE LAWN
I SAW A BIG DICK
I KNEW AT THAT MOMENT
IT MUST BE SAINT NICK…
                     
HE CAME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL
I KNEW AT THAT MOMENT
THE FUCKER HAD FELL
                       
HE FILLED ALL OUR STOCKINGS
WITH PRETZELS AND BEER
AND A BIG RUBBER DICK
FOR MY BROTHER THE QUEER
                       
HE ROSE UP THE CHIMNEY
WITH A THUNDEROUS FART
THE SON OF A BITCH
BLEW THE CHIMNEY APART
HE SWORE AND HE CURSED
AS HE RODE OUT OF SIGHT
PISS ON YOU ALL
AND HAVE A HELL OF A NIGHT!!!!

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If u wake up on christmas morning wit a weird taste in ur mouth…..remember santa only cums once a year

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What does Santa say when he is sick? OH OH NO!

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*to the tune of jingle bells*
Twerky slut,
Twerky slut,
Get the f*ck way
We don't want no mily Cyrus jr
Messing up our day
Hay!
Twerky slut,
Twerky slut,
Stop I'm gonna be sick
For God's sake your made of plastic
None of yous legit
Hey
Twerky slut..
Jerk: Hey b*tch ain't got no time for Christmas Carols!

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Q: What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?
A: They both have balls just for decoration.

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Dear Alcohol,

We had a deal... you would make me prettier, funnier and a better dancer. I just saw the video of the company Christmas party.

WE NEED TO TALK!

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3 Dustbin Men, the driver and two other men, are going on their rounds asking for Christmas bonuses which they do yearly.
They stop at the first house and one man runs in and a women gives him £5. They move on to another house and a bloke gives him £6.
They pull up to the next house and the man runs in knocks on the door and a women answers and says “oh yes..come upstairs with me”..without reply he goes up and she gives him a good shagging! Once they are finished she says now go and get your mate and tell him to come in for his ‘bonus’. He goes out, tells his mate “go in get your bonus, she’ll show you a bloody good time, one hell of a bonus!” He goes in, she shows him upstairs and true to her word he gets a good fuck.
When their finished she says “go and get your driver and send him in for his bonus”, off he goes and says to the driver- “driver its your turn now, go on my son its one hell of a Christmas bonus” so of he goes. He steps in the door very excited and instead of taking him upstairs she reaches for her purse and pulls out £5 and gives it to him. He says “what the hell is this, you give my two friends the time of their life and you give me this?!”
She turns round and explains “I had strict instructions from my husband, he said ‘give a fiver to the driver and fuck the other two!!!'”

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