Christmas Jokes

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says.
“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced.
Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Sorted!
They’re coming for Christmas - and they’re paying their own way.

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What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

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Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?

A: A pine-apple.

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Bumper sticker: "Last Christmas I got a new rifle for my wife. Good trade, don't you think?"

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Q: What kind of cards do donkeys send out near Christmas?

A: Mule-tide greetings.

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When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

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My new blow up doll I got for christmas has put on weight already after all the christmas festivities.
Maybe I should empty her!

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There once was a Russian guy named Olaf who was mean, rude, and crude. One day his wife and her friend were in the kitchen discussing Christmas. Suddenly Olaf shouted, "It's gonna rain any moment now!"

Next thing you know it starts raining. The wife's friend is shocked. She said, "How in the world did he know that?"

Without missing a beat the wife said to her, "Rude Olaf the Red knows rain dear."

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What did Adam say to Eve before Christmas?

"IT'S CHRISTMAS..."

"EVE!!!"

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How do you know when Santa's in the room? You can sense his presents.

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