Bar Jokes

A guy meets an attractive woman at a bar. After a few drinks he invites her over to his place. She answers by saying it depends on what they'll be riding in on the way over there.

He says, "I’ll give you a few hints. The chauffeur drives, the vehicle costs over $300 thousand dollars, and I’d like to surprise you with the rest of details should you decide to accept my invitation."

She happily accepted and he led her outside. She reacts, "Hey wait a minute! we’re at the bus stop!"

"Surprise!"

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How do you like your eggs in the morning because if it’s fertilized then I’m your man.

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Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked up to O'Toole.
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
"No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied.
The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

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A man walks into a bar...

...ended up getting twenty stitches on his forehead.

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I met a babe in the local pub. She said, “I’m not interested in casual sex.”
So I replied, “OK, I’ll keep my tie on.”

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Approaching the woman at a single’s bar, the young man said, “Hi cookie. How about a date?”
“Forget it,” she said. “I never go out with a perfect stranger.”
“We are both in luck,” he said. I’m far from perfect.”

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A husband is having a beer at the pub with his friends when he sends an email to his wife.

"What are you emailing her?" asked one.

He reads his message out loud, "Having a beer with the boys. If I'm not home in twenty minutes, read this email again."

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I was gonna tell you a joke about my dick but it’s too long .

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A guy is sitting at a bar staring at his drink when a huge biker grabs his drink and gulps it down.
“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it ?” says the Biker.
The man begins crying.
“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY you wimp.”
The guy says. “Well this is the worst day of my life. I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home and then found my wife with another man. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!”

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Shamus O'Connor had just closed down Patty Murphy's Pub and was ambulating his way slowly to the underground subway.

Suddenly he was confronted by a huge sign which read: "WARNING! Dogs must be carried on the escalator - Absolutely NO EXCEPTIONS!"

Shamus bemoaned: "Bejabbers, and, pray tell, just where is a bloke to be findin' a dog at this unholy hour?"

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