Alcohol Jokes

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy.
A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks.
He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"

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Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.

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Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.
Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom.
"Tom what’s going on?" Mark asked.
"It’s my wife Beckie,"
Tom replied. "She ran off with my best friend!"
"Hey wait a second!" Said Mark.
"Aren’t I your best friend?"
"Not any more," Tom said with a happy smile. "He is!"

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You say "Alcoholism". I say "Liver Crossfit".

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It's better to be a worldwide alcoholic, than an Alcoholic Anonymous.

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A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city’s problems.
Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, “Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn’t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer
my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!”
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, “I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed…”
“Look there you go again,” said the man, “How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?”
“Of course not!” gasped the nun, “The evil alcohol has never touched my lips.”
“Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?”
“Well, I really don’t know ….”
“I’ll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I’ll buy you a drink. One drink. I’ll prove to you that “evil” is not inside the glass, it’s inside the person.”
“Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it’s out of the question.
However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you’ve aroused a curiosity in me.”
“Well let’s go inside and settle this”
“No my son, I could never enter such a place… but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this “scotch” you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I’ll try it.”
“You’re on!” said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, “Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please”
The bartender sighed and said, “Is that fucking nun out there again!

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I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt… Damn mosquito!!!

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I drink to steady my nerves.
Last night I got so steady I couldn’t move.

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A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding.
As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied.
"I use those in my act.’
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by.
The driver did a double take, and said, "My God.
I've got to give up drinking!
Look at the test they're giving now."

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As I walked into work this morning my colleague said, “Dave, you look like shit.”
“Last night was crazy.” I replied.
“What happened?” he asked.
“Me, my mate Steve and my mate Trevor all got very drunk,” I replied. “And we ended up going back to Trevor’s girlfriends flat and having a threesome.”
“Don’t you mean a foursome?” he asked.
“No, she was out.”

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