New jokes

Costello:  Hey, Abbott!
Abbot:  Yes, Lou? Costello:  I just got my first computer.
Abbot:  That's great Lou. What did you get? Costello:  A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot:  That's terrific, Lou. Costello:  But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbot:  You will in time. Costello:  That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot:  Oh? Costello:  I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot:  Well, I don't know- Costello:  Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbot:  Really? Costello:  Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot:  O.K. Lou. What do want to know? Costello:  I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot:  That's true. Costello:  So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot:  Well, first you press the Start button, and then- Costello:  No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot:  I know, you press the Start button- Costello:  Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot:  I did. Costello:  When?
Abbot:  When I told you to press the Start button. Costello:  Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot:  To shut off the computer. Costello:  I press Start to stop.
Abbot:  Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer. Costello:  I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot:  Start Costello:  Start what?
Abbot:  Start button. Costello:  Start button to do what?
Abbot:  Shut down. Costello:  You don't have to get rude!
Abbot:  No, no, no! That's not what I meant. Costello:  Then say what you mean.
Abbot:  To shut down the computer, press- Costello:  Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot:  Then what do you want me to say? Costello:  Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot:  But that's what you do. Costello:  And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot:  Don't be ridiculous. Costello:  I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbot:  What are you talking about? Costello:  I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
Costello:  Hey, Abbott!
Abbot:  Yes, Lou?
Costello:  I just got my first computer.
Abbot:  That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello:  A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot:  That's terrific, Lou.
Costello:  But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbot:  You will in time.
Costello:  That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot:  Oh?
Costello:  I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot:  Well, I don't know-
Costello:  Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbot:  Really?
Costello:  Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot:  O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello:  I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot:  That's true.
Costello:  So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot:  Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello:  No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot:  I know, you press the Start button-
Costello:  Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot:  I did.
Costello:  When?
Abbot:  When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello:  Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot:  To shut off the computer.
Costello:  I press Start to stop.
Abbot:  Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello:  I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot:  Start
Costello:  Start what?
Abbot:  Start button.
Costello:  Start button to do what?
Abbot:  Shut down.
Costello:  You don't have to get rude!
Abbot:  No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello:  Then say what you mean.
Abbot:  To shut down the computer, press-
Costello:  Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot:  Then what do you want me to say?
Costello:  Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot:  But that's what you do.
Costello:  And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot:  Don't be ridiculous.
Costello:  I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbot:  What are you talking about?
Costello:  I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

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Q. What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A. A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.

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Did you know the most difficult job in the US Military is being a Navy Pilot?
I guess it is really hard to make the boats fly!

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A man phoned his doctor saying his wife appeared to have appendicitis.
“That’s impossible,” the physician replied. “She had an appendectomy last year. Have you ever seen anybody with a second appendix?”
“No, asshole,” the husband replied. “Have you ever seen anybody with a second wife?

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Popular Kid: Your A Fail
Other Kid: Just Like Your Abortion! Twice!
Whole Class: OOOO

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At a mental health hospital a psychiatrist sets a test to determine the mental progress of his three top patients.
He gets three chairs and repaints them. Before they dry, he repositions them in a room in such a way that one is in front of the other. After this, he calls the three patients and asks them to seat down. The first two gladly sit on the wet chairs at the front. However, the third who comes in last takes one look at the wet chair and then proceeds to the corner of the room where there is a pile of papers. He takes one sheet which he drapes on the wet chair before sitting. Surprised by the action of the third, the doctor asks him why he draped the sheet of paper on the wet chair, "that's easy," came the reply, "seeing that am seated at the back, I needed to be a bit raised if I wanted to see what's happening at the front"

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A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy.
A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks.
He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"

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Animal testing is a terrible idea;
they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

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Chuck Norris is the real man inside of Chucky.

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An insect falls into a mug of beer.
Englishman: Throws his mug away and walks out.
American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.
Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away.
Indian : Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.
Pakistani : Accuses the Indian for throwing the insect into his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer.

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