New jokes

We said to god we would trade justin beiber for michael jackson, but we realized god wouldn't even want justin beiber.......

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Minds are like parachutes.they only work when they're open
Money is like a promise, easier made than kept

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Q:What did 1 saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A: We better get support quick or people are gonna think we're nuts!!

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The first thing James Cameron saw when he reached the Challenger Deep was Chuck Norris snorkeling down to test his new watch.

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Could you guys just scroll a little?
I was really funny yesterday.

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A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, Silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “Paw, What’s ‘at?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
“Boy, go git yo Momma….”

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I want to get a tattoo, but I don’t want to get something that’s going to look stupid when I’m older. So I’m getting “World’s Sexiest Grandpa”.

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Q: Did you hear about the logger that went to Alaska?
A: He came back a husky f**ker.

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A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says.
“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced.
Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Sorted!
They’re coming for Christmas - and they’re paying their own way.

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I had plastic surgery last week. My wife cut up my credit cards

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