Someone ripped the pages out of both ends of my dictionary today.
It just goes from bad to worse!

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My expertly timed eclipse joke will put all the others in the shade.

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A Spanish man who doesn't speak English says to a Mexican woman, "Lady, I want to make the love with you," and she says, "Mande?" and he says, "No Monday, today."

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Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that’s ever served me.
With just the tip.

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I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
Then he was chuffed to bits.

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So, how do you get down off this elephant?

You don't. You get down off a goose.

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What's Forrest Gump's computer password?

1Forrest1

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Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist. 

I regretted it literally one minute later.
 

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I’ve just bought that new Lynx deodorant - breadcrumb edition. The birds can’t get enough of me!
 

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Sex is a big joke.
I just don’t get it.

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I’m a county coroner and it’s Saturday at the morgue. Gotta do some autopsies.

I would love to be watching college football on TV and drinking beer like you lucky dudes.

I’m a little like you… but I get a bonus.

I get to crack open a cold one while earning time and a half.

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