A pirate walks into a bar and it appears that he has a steering wheel to a ship in front of his trousers. In fact, it looks like his penis is stuck through the center of it. The bartender says, "Hey pirate! You've got your penis stuck in a steering wheel!" The pirate replied, "Arrrr, I know! It drives me nuts!"

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“This is my step-dad”
“It’s nice son, but why on earth did you build one?”

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Someone ripped the pages out of both ends of my dictionary today.
It just goes from bad to worse!

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My expertly timed eclipse joke will put all the others in the shade.

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A Spanish man who doesn't speak English says to a Mexican woman, "Lady, I want to make the love with you," and she says, "Mande?" and he says, "No Monday, today."

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Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that’s ever served me.
With just the tip.

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I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
Then he was chuffed to bits.

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So, how do you get down off this elephant?

You don't. You get down off a goose.

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What's Forrest Gump's computer password?

1Forrest1

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Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist. 

I regretted it literally one minute later.
 

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I’ve just bought that new Lynx deodorant - breadcrumb edition. The birds can’t get enough of me!
 

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