Every time I see a politician on the campaign trail, they make all kinds of promises they have no intention of living up to. Basically, our election system has become a more sophisticated version of that game you used to play with your dog when you were a kid, where you'd take a tennis ball and fake throw it and watch him run out and try to find it. 'What is that? Is that healthcare? You want healthcare, don't you? Go get it!'

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A guy walks into a bar and asks, "Who owns that Doberman tied up outside?"

A man replies, "That's my dog".

"Well," says the first man, "I think my Chihuahua killed him."

"Your CHIHUAHUA killed my Doberman?"

"How'd he do that?" asks the man at the bar.

"I'm not sure. I think he got lodged in his throat".

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Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.
Bert said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."
George echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore."
Little Johnny sighed, "I wish it was dark..."

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A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that's a sweet ass.

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What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

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What's a rabbits favorite book?
Hop on Pop.

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How do snails get their shells all shiny?
They use snail polish.

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What do you get if you cross an owl with a witch? A bird that's ugly but doesn't give a hoot!

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Question: What do you get when you cross a shark and a parrot?
Answer: a creature that talks your ear off.

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Chuck Norris can make a turtle go faster.

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Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Wings.

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