Due to the downturn in the economy my friend has had to close down his salt stall. He’s really feeling the pinch.

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This morning I found a fly on my toilet seat. …
It was pissed off.

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Channel 4 are making a documentary about a black man producing cocaine in his bedroom, they’re calling it, “CHOCOLATE & HIS CHARLIE FACTORY.”

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My wives going to a fancy dress party tonight dressed as a Rastafarian.
She wants me to do her hair.
I’m dreading it!

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A pirate walks into a bar and it appears that he has a steering wheel to a ship in front of his trousers. In fact, it looks like his penis is stuck through the center of it. The bartender says, "Hey pirate! You've got your penis stuck in a steering wheel!" The pirate replied, "Arrrr, I know! It drives me nuts!"

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“This is my step-dad”
“It’s nice son, but why on earth did you build one?”

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Someone ripped the pages out of both ends of my dictionary today.
It just goes from bad to worse!

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My expertly timed eclipse joke will put all the others in the shade.

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A Spanish man who doesn't speak English says to a Mexican woman, "Lady, I want to make the love with you," and she says, "Mande?" and he says, "No Monday, today."

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Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that’s ever served me.
With just the tip.

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I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
Then he was chuffed to bits.

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