The other day I asked my girlfriend to text me a photo of her cunt.
She replied with a photo of me.

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Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her.
“I’m ashamed to bring this up,” he said, “but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants,” he says, “a sample.”
The woman was shocked. “Such a thing you ask a virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman. ”
The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, Morris said, “He’s a business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods. By him, it’s not a big deal… a sample.”
She thought a minute. “He’s a business man? So tell him I don’t give samples. If he wants, I can give him 50 or 60 references.”

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File This Insult away, you may need it some day soon.
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

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A bloke sees his ex-wife with her new lover and decides to wind him up so he shouts over “How’s the second-hand pussy?”
Quick as a flash, her lover replies “Great! After the first three inches, it’s like brand new.”

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Whilst walking down my local high street I was approached by a charity worker.
“I’m sorry to stop you sir.” she said.
“That’s ok, you haven’t. ” I replied as I carried on walking.

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On my way home from work a while back I stopped at my local store to buy a large bag of Pedigree dog food for a few of the stray dogs in my area. A nosey woman who lives in my complex was in the line behind me and asked if I had a dog, since she dint recall me having one.
So I decided to have a little fun and on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 20 Kgs before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Pedigree Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her “No, I lifted my leg to Pi$$ on someones car and the guy beat the Sh*t out of me”.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard but owner of the store asked me never to come back there again.

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I went into the kitchen this morning and said to the wife, “Is that coffee I smell?”
She said, “It is and you do.”

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Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

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We all have faults.
It’s just that mine are better than yours.

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President Vladimir Putin called President Trump with an emergency: “Our largest condom factory has exploded!” the Russian President cried; “my people’s favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!”
“Vladimir, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,” replied the Newly Elected President..
“I do need your help,” said Putin. “Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?”
“Why certainly! I’ll get right on it!” said Trump.
“Oh, and one more small favor, please?” said Putin.
“Yes?”
“Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10″ long and 4″ in diameter?” said Putin.
“No problem,” replied Trump said and, with that, he hung up and called the President of Durex. “I need a favor, you’ve got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia.”
“Consider it done,” said the President of Durex.
“Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10″ long and 4″ wide.”
“Easily done. Anything else?”
“Yeah,” said Trump, “print ‘MADE IN USA, SIZE MEDIUM’ on each one.

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At a local college there was a dance. A guy from America asked a girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing he gives her a little squeeze and says, “In America we call this a hug.”
She says, “Yaah, in Sweden, we call it a hug too.”
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek and says, “In America we call this a kiss.”
She says, “Yaah, in Sweden we call it a kiss too.”
Later that evening after quite a few drinks, he takes her out on the campus lawn and proceeds to have sex with her and says, “In America we call this a grass sandwich.”
She says, “Yaaah, in Sweden we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it.”

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