John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan.
He had to take the ferryboat home every night.
One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern.
Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock.
Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.
"It was great," said the sailor.
"But why didn't you wait?
We were just pulling in!"

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As I stood swaying from side to side at the British Airways ticket desk last night, the guy looked at me and said, “Can I help?”
“Yes,” I slurred, unzipping my superman costume and pulling my wallet out, “One ticket to Amsterdam please.”
“You’re unable to fly, sir.” he replied, “You’re far too drunk.”
I said, “I know mate, that’s why I’m getting a plane.”

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I put a couple of ‘t’s in my beer last night.
I think it made it better.

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Sthi Bash is sitting in a bar drinking some alcohol.
After some couple of drinks he tries to stand up and he falls.
He crawls to the door of the bar and tries to stand up and he falls again, he crawls until he reaches the door in his house and he tries to stand but then for the third time he falls again.
He then decides to knock on the door while he is on the ground.
His wife opens the door and surprised she asks him, "Where the hell did you leave your wheelchair?"

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One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar.
She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her.
At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and says, "Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink."
The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.
After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, "Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink."
After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, "It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
To which, the drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina."

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A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator.
The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!"
So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."
The bartender says "Well then, lets see!"
So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth.
He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it.
A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.
He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?"
An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

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Two russian guys are walking down the street and they find a $100.
So one says, "Ok, lets buy bread for $1 and the rest we spend on vodka?."
The other says, "I don't get it, why do we need so much bread?."

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When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back.
Imagine all the booze I could buy!

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Yo mama is so fat a bus hit her and she said a mosquito.

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A police officer returns home drunk in his car from a colleague’s house. He is driving safely, until suddenly a patrol on the side of the road motions him to stop by for a check. He quickly draws out his badge, confident that his colleagues will believe it and says: ”Don’t worry colleagues, I’ve drunk a bit at another officer’s house, I live nearby, I’ll drive responsibly.”. ”Sure, go ahead, no problem.”, one of the officers replies. ”Goodnight.”. After a while, another police patrol motions him to stop. ”Sheeesh!, not again!” he exclaims. Once again, he draws out his badge and repeats the same sentence. The officers wave him goodbye. But after a while he is stopped a third by another patrol. ”C’mon.. you’ve got to be kidding me..”. He shows his badge, once more, about to repeat his sentence. ”Don’t worry colleagues, I’ve-”, he is interrupted. ”Sir, get out of the freaking roundabout at least!”

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Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.
They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

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