Q: Wanna hear a joke about construction?
A: Never mind, I'm still working on it.

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What did Mike Tyson's parents say when he told them that he wanted to be a boxer?

"Go ahead, knock yourself out!"

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Last night I was at a pub when suddenly a fight broke out. This one guy picked up a chair and tried to hit the other guy with it when suddenly the second guy ducked and to my amazement, picked up the whole bar and hit the first guy with it.
I thought to myself, ‘Wow, what a counter attack.’

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My Calculator is missing the minus button.
But on the plus side…..it still works

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I’m going to change my name to Sparta so when I get introduced to people they can say “This is Sparta.”

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Due to the downturn in the economy my friend has had to close down his salt stall. He’s really feeling the pinch.

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This morning I found a fly on my toilet seat. …
It was pissed off.

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Channel 4 are making a documentary about a black man producing cocaine in his bedroom, they’re calling it, “CHOCOLATE & HIS CHARLIE FACTORY.”

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My wives going to a fancy dress party tonight dressed as a Rastafarian.
She wants me to do her hair.
I’m dreading it!

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A pirate walks into a bar and it appears that he has a steering wheel to a ship in front of his trousers. In fact, it looks like his penis is stuck through the center of it. The bartender says, "Hey pirate! You've got your penis stuck in a steering wheel!" The pirate replied, "Arrrr, I know! It drives me nuts!"

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“This is my step-dad”
“It’s nice son, but why on earth did you build one?”

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