I often say to myself, “I can’t believe that cloning machine worked!”

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I’ve just done 100 press-ups in a row…
The lift attendant looked pretty annoyed.

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What do you give a deaf fisherman? A herring aid.

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Mixed up my sleeping pills with my Viagra.
I ended up having forty wanks.

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Q: Wanna hear a joke about construction?
A: Never mind, I'm still working on it.

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What did Mike Tyson's parents say when he told them that he wanted to be a boxer?

"Go ahead, knock yourself out!"

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Last night I was at a pub when suddenly a fight broke out. This one guy picked up a chair and tried to hit the other guy with it when suddenly the second guy ducked and to my amazement, picked up the whole bar and hit the first guy with it.
I thought to myself, ‘Wow, what a counter attack.’

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My Calculator is missing the minus button.
But on the plus side…..it still works

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I’m going to change my name to Sparta so when I get introduced to people they can say “This is Sparta.”

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Due to the downturn in the economy my friend has had to close down his salt stall. He’s really feeling the pinch.

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This morning I found a fly on my toilet seat. …
It was pissed off.

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