Another thing I do most black people don't do -- catch cabs. I love it. I can catch as many cabs as I want. They don't even know I'm black until I hop in the back and I'm like, 'To Compton!' 'But, that's all the way across country.' 'I know, and we're robbing stores on the way!'

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You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.

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A German asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico. The Mexican says, “Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!”

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My dad fought in World War II, and he never talks about it, of course -- 'cause he's Japanese.

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Q: How do you stop a Mexican tank?
A: Shoot the people pushing it.

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People make it seem like looting is bad. Looting is not bad. America was formed by looting. Any Indians here? Course not! See what I mean?

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What did Saddam Hussein have in common with his father?
Neither knew when to pull out!

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I think our country doesn't want us free; I think they want us sedated. You know, so we don't notice things -- like who's running it.

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Q: What county in Ireland hates "South Park?"
A: Killkenny.

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They want to keep foreign threats out of the U.S. I have a solution. I think we should put a velvet rope around the entire U.S. border and hire nightclub bouncers to guard the country. No, seriously, 'cause nobody takes their job as serious as a night club bouncer. If you're not on the guest list, you're not getting into the country.

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Have you heard the Mexican weather forecast? Chili today and hot tamale.

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