Q: Why do witches wear name tags?
A: To know which witch is which!

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Three men all die on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who should go to hell, but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them. One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties. "How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter. "These are Carol's."

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Scene: A man applying for credit 
at a department store.

Clerk: What do you do for a living?

Man: I’m a tree trimmer.

Clerk: So what do you do after Christmas?

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May your dressing be tasty, May your turkey be plump...

May your potatoes and gravy, Have never a lump...

May your yams be delicious And your pies take the prize...

And may your Thanksgiving dinner, Stay off your thighs!

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Why is Santa Claus so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

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Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.

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In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue...........

And in 1495 his luggage and baggage finally arrived.

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Q. What is a taxidermist's favorite part of Thanksgiving?
A. The stuffing.

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As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.

"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."

Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up.

"They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."

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Q: Why are ghosts bad liars?
A: You can see right through them.

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What do you call a Turkey with a limp?

A gobble with a wobble.

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