Due to the way our Hindi was pronounced by the British and the Anglo Indians too,here Goes:
GANPAT-RAI Bihari ,(who really needs a job) is being interviewed by British, Colonel Smith
Col Smith: Haan toh Gaand Fat rahai (Ganpat-Rai)!!
Bihari: Nahi sir, jyada nahi!!
Col. Smith: Kya ‘jyada nahi’ bolta hai, tumhara application me likha Hua hai Gand fat rahai.
Bihari : Theekh hai mai baap, likha hai to fat raha hoga.
Col. Smith: Tum Daily marata hai (tum delhi me rahta hai)??
Bihari : Nahi sir, kabhi kabhi!!
Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai, idhar aaoo, kya ‘kabhi kabhi’ bolta hai? Tumhara application mein likha hua hai ki tum Daily marata hai.
Bihari : Theek hai mai bap, likha hai to marata honga.
The Bihari was employed on one condition that he will do whatever Col.Smith’s family asks him to do.
Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai!!
Ganpatrai : Ji maalik.
Col. Smith: Aaj tum ko 3 kaam karnee kaa haai
Ganpatrai : Hukum Sarkaar
Col. Smith: Tum pehla hamaari beti ko chodenga (drop her off)… baad mein hamaari biwi ko chodenga… aur uske baad mein hum ko chodenga.
Ganpatrai : Maaf karna Sarkaar, tumhari biwi aur beti to theek hai,lekin main aap ko nahi choddh sakta.
Col.Smith: Gand fatrahai! Tum ko hum ko chodnaa padhega.
Ganpatrai : Nahi sarkaar aisa zulum naa kare.
Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai, agar tum hum ko nahi chod sakta to hum tumko nokri se nikaal denga.
Ganpatrai : Theek hai sarkaar ….jo hukum.
After a few days there is no one except Col.Smith’s wife at home. She is alone in her bedroom. While wearing her bra she is unable to Tie
the knot behind. So……
Wife: Gand fatrahai, idhar aaoo?
Ganpatrai : Ji Maalkin.
Wife: Gand fatrahai, hammara peeche se gaand maaro (gaanth maro-tie the bra knot).
Ganpatrai : Yeh kya keh rahi hai Maalkin??
Wife: Gand fatrahai, jaldi se gaand maaro hum ko late hota hai.
Ganpatrai : Nahi Nahi Maalkin. Agar maine aisa kiya to hum ko sarkar kacha kha jayenge.
Wife: Gand fatrahai, agar tumne jaldi se hamari gaand nahi maari to hum tumko kacha kha jaayengi.
Ganpatrai : Theek hai maalkin. Jo hukum.
Ganpatrai who has been frustrated by these Brits for a long time starts like a bull.
Panic stricken the wife tries to turn and shouts:
Wife : GAND FATRAHAI, GAND FATRAHAI, GAND FATRAHAI !!!
Ganpatrai :Memsaab…Gaand maarega to Gaand to phatega.
1. Confucius say woman who go to man’s apartment for snack, get titbit.
2. Confucius say man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth.
3. Confucius say man who get kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who excels at putting worm on hook is Master Baiter
5. Confucius say passionate kiss like spider web-lead to undoing of fly.
6. Confucius say man with hole in pocket, feel cocky.
7. Confucius say man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Confucius say virginity like balloon-one prick, all gone.
9. Confucius say girl who ride bicycle, peddle ass all over town.
10. Confucius say he who fart in church, sit in own pew.
11. Confucius say baseball no sport - man with four balls cannot walk.
12. Confucius say: It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
13. Confucius say Kotex is not best thing on earth, is next-to-best thing on earth.
14. Confucius say man with penis in peanut butter jar, fucking nuts.
15. Confucius say man who walk through airport door sideways, going to Bangkok.
16. Confucius say man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Confucius say man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. Confucius say when lady say no, she mean maybe. When lady say maybe, she mean yes. When lady say yes, she no lady!
19. Confucius say man who go to bed with stiff problem, wake with solution in hand.
20. Confucius say man who stand on toilet, high on pot.
21. Confucius say man who buy drowned cat, get wet pussy.
22. Confucius say it is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
23. Confucius say man who jizz in cash register, come into money.
24. Confucius say man who finger girl having period, caught red handed.
25. Confucius say man trapped in pantry, have ass in jam.
26. Confucius say man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money.
27. Confucius say man who go to bed with itchy asshole, wake with stinky finger.
28. Confucius say learn to masturbate-come in handy.
29. Confucius say war not determine who right, war determine who left.
30. Confucius say naked man fear no pickpocket.
31. Confucius say squirrel who run up womans leg, not find nuts.
32. Confucius say the end of day is near when small men make long shadows.
33. Confucius say better to be pissed off than pissed on.
34. Confucius say woman how cook carrots and peas in same pot, not sanitary.
35. Confucius say couple on seven day honeymoon, make whole week.
36. Confucius say girl who sit on jockey’s lap get hot tip.
37. Confucius say girl who sit on judge’s lap get honorable discharge.
38. Confucius say waitress who sit on lepper’s lap, keep tip.
39. Confucius say butcher who back into meat grinder, get a little behind in his work.
40. Confucius say man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, feeling nuts.
41. Confucius say man who shoot off mouth, expect to lose face.
42. Confucius say man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose.
43. Confucius say man with big mouth, beware of foot.
44. Confucius say man who fly upside down have crack up.
45. Confucius say man who leap off cliff, jump to conclusion.
46. Confucius say shallow woman like man with short temper.
47. Confucius say man under wheelbarrow playing with tool, not necessarily mechanic.
48. Confucius say house without bathroom, uncanny.
49. Confucius say foolish man give wife grand piano-wise man give wife upright organ.
50. Confucius say man who eat many prunes, sit on can for many moons.
51. Confucius say man who sleep with bitchy wife, wake with itchy trigger-finger.
52. Confucius say man who sit on stool, smell like shit.
53. Confucius say man with tight trousers, pressing his luck.
54. Confucius say man who throw dirt, losing ground.
55. Confucius say man who fishes in other’s holes, get crabs.
56. Confucius say he who live in stone house, should not throw glasses.
57. Confucius say cow with no legs, ground beef.
58. Confucius say two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn.
59. Confucius say baby born in car with automatic transmission, grow to become shiftless bastard.
60. Confucius say bird in hand, make difficult to blow nose.
61. Confucius say finding old man in dark, not hard.
62. Confucius say man who smoke pot, choke on handle.
63. Confucius say OK for shit to happen-will decompose.
64. Confucius say man with head on railroad track, listening for train to come, get splitting headache.
65. Confucius say sailor who get discharged from navy, leave buddies behind.
66. Confucius say secretary become permanent fixture, when screwed on desk.
67. Confucius say do not drink and park-accidents cause people.
68. Confucius say he who crosses ocean twice without washing, dirty double crosser.
69. Confucius say too many light bulb jokes, soon burn out.
70. Confucius say takes many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.
71. Confucius say never raise hands to angry child-leave groin exposed.
72. Confucius say man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
73. Confucius say man who keep feet firmly planted on ground, have trouble putting on pants.
74. Confucius say man who sit on tack, get point.
75. Confucius say man who run behind car, get exhausted.
76. Confucius say man who put cream in tart, not always baker.
77. Confucius say man who let woman on top, fucking up.
78. Confucius say woman who spend much time on bedspring, may get offspring.
79. Confucius say sex on beach like american beer-fucking near water.
80. Confucius say man like baby-want to suck tit all day.
81. Confucius say man who masturbate, only screwing himself.
82. Confucius say woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom.
83. Confucius say support bacteria-is only culture some people have.
84. Confucius say man who eat too many jellybean, fart in technicolor.
85. Confucius say man who marry girl with no bust, have right to feel low down.
86. Confucius say man with athletic finger, make broad jump.
87. Confucius say man who speak with forked tongue, should not kiss balloons.
88. Confucius say man who lose key to girlfriend’s apartment, not get new key.
89. Confucius say he who sit on upturned tack, rise above all.
90. Confucius say even greatest of whales, helpless in desert.
91. Confucius say wash face in morning, neck at night.
92. Confucius say elevator smell different to midget.
93. Confucius say America good place for Chinese restaurant.
94. Confucius say no man is island, but some women are whales.
95. Confucius say he who have last laugh, not get joke.
96. Confucius say man who sleep with old hen, find it better than pullet.
97. Confucius say he who outrun cheetah, fucking fast on his feet.
98. Confucius say man trapped in sewer, eat shit and die.
99. Confucius say man who fuck ugly dog, get howled at.
100. Confucius say all men eat, but Fumanchu.
101. Confucius say he who eat crackers in bed, have crummy sleep.
102. Confucius say he who sneeze without tissue, take matter in own hands.
103. Confucius say wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
104. Confucius say he who sniff coke, drown.
105. Confucius say Macintosh computer, like man making love in cemetery -fucking near dead
106. Confucius say man piss in wind, wind piss back.
107. Confucius say man who pull out too soon, leave rubber behind.
108. Confucius say man who eat pussy, do lip service.
109. Confucius say man with tool in womans mouth, not necessarily dentist.
110. Confucius say girl who marry detective, like to kiss dick.
111. Confucius say men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole, women have more.
112. Confucius say rape should not happen-woman run faster with skirt up, than man with pants down.
113. Confucius say woman wearing G-string, high on crack.
114. Confucius say virgin with thimble on finger, never feel prick.
115. Confucius say man who pull woman’s bra strap, may get bust in face.
116. Confucius say woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock.
117. Confucius say fly who sit on toilet seat, get pissed off.
118. Confucius say man who throw away watch, wasting time.
119. Confucius say man who fall in vat of molten glass, make spectacle of self.
120. Confucius say man who jump through screen door, strain self.
121. Confucius say man who push piano down mine shaft, likely to get A flat minor.
122. Confucius say man who put face in punchbowl, get punch in nose.
123. Confucius say man who sink in woman’s arms, soon have arms in woman’s sink.
124. Confucius say man who put cock on stove, have hot rod.
125. Confucius say never trust man with short legs-brains too near bottom.
126. Confucius say soldier who go to bed horny, wake with dishonorable discharge.
127. Confucius say woman who put detergent on top shelf, jump for joy.
128. Confucius say woman who slide down bannister, make monkey shine.
129. Confucious say woman who fly upside down have crack up.
130. Confucious say secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on desk.
131. Confucious say man who pumps cream into tart not necessarially village baker
132. Confucius say It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Night Out With The Guys!
Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’
Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?
’‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.