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Did you know Danny Welbeck’s dad was a bomb disposal expert.
His name was Stan Welbeck.
Two little snakes were hissing near their pit. The mother snake came out and said, ''What are you doing hissing near our pit. If you want to hiss go over to Mrs. Pott's pit and hiss. The two little snakes went over to Mrs. Pott's pit to hiss. Mrs. Potts came out and said, ''Hey you two little snakes, what are you doing hissing near my pit? If you want to hiss, go back over to your own pit and hiss!'' The two little snakes went back to their own pit to hiss. Their mother came out and said, ''What are you doing hissing near our pit? I thought I told you to go over to Mrs. Pott's house to hiss. They said, Mrs. Potts said if we wanted to hiss we had to go back to our own pit to hiss. The mother snake said, ''Well, I knew Mrs. Potts before she had a pit to hiss in.''
Due to the way our Hindi was pronounced by the British and the Anglo Indians too,here Goes:
GANPAT-RAI Bihari ,(who really needs a job) is being interviewed by British, Colonel Smith
Col Smith: Haan toh Gaand Fat rahai (Ganpat-Rai)!!
Bihari: Nahi sir, jyada nahi!!
Col. Smith: Kya ‘jyada nahi’ bolta hai, tumhara application me likha Hua hai Gand fat rahai.
Bihari : Theekh hai mai baap, likha hai to fat raha hoga.
Col. Smith: Tum Daily marata hai (tum delhi me rahta hai)??
Bihari : Nahi sir, kabhi kabhi!!
Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai, idhar aaoo, kya ‘kabhi kabhi’ bolta hai? Tumhara application mein likha hua hai ki tum Daily marata hai.
Bihari : Theek hai mai bap, likha hai to marata honga.
The Bihari was employed on one condition that he will do whatever Col.Smith’s family asks him to do.
Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai!!
Ganpatrai : Ji maalik.
Col. Smith: Aaj tum ko 3 kaam karnee kaa haai
Ganpatrai : Hukum Sarkaar
Col. Smith: Tum pehla hamaari beti ko chodenga (drop her off)… baad mein hamaari biwi ko chodenga… aur uske baad mein hum ko chodenga.
Ganpatrai : Maaf karna Sarkaar, tumhari biwi aur beti to theek hai,lekin main aap ko nahi choddh sakta.
Col.Smith: Gand fatrahai! Tum ko hum ko chodnaa padhega.
Ganpatrai : Nahi sarkaar aisa zulum naa kare.
Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai, agar tum hum ko nahi chod sakta to hum tumko nokri se nikaal denga.
Ganpatrai : Theek hai sarkaar ….jo hukum.
After a few days there is no one except Col.Smith’s wife at home. She is alone in her bedroom. While wearing her bra she is unable to Tie
the knot behind. So……
Wife: Gand fatrahai, idhar aaoo?
Ganpatrai : Ji Maalkin.
Wife: Gand fatrahai, hammara peeche se gaand maaro (gaanth maro-tie the bra knot).
Ganpatrai : Yeh kya keh rahi hai Maalkin??
Wife: Gand fatrahai, jaldi se gaand maaro hum ko late hota hai.
Ganpatrai : Nahi Nahi Maalkin. Agar maine aisa kiya to hum ko sarkar kacha kha jayenge.
Wife: Gand fatrahai, agar tumne jaldi se hamari gaand nahi maari to hum tumko kacha kha jaayengi.
Ganpatrai : Theek hai maalkin. Jo hukum.
Ganpatrai who has been frustrated by these Brits for a long time starts like a bull.
Panic stricken the wife tries to turn and shouts:
Wife : GAND FATRAHAI, GAND FATRAHAI, GAND FATRAHAI !!!
Ganpatrai :Memsaab…Gaand maarega to Gaand to phatega.
Do you like wendy's?
Cause you'll love it wendys nuts slap yo face.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
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A man got in a taxi cab to be driven to work. They were about to turn a corner, but had to wait for the light. The taxi cab driver wasn’t sure his blinkers were working so he said to the man "will you look out the window and make sure my blinkers are working?" As requested, the man stuck his head out the window and responded "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..."
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, Silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “Paw, What’s ‘at?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
“Boy, go git yo Momma….”
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden, and Uncle Sam were walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie popped out. “I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes total." The Canadian said, “I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada. I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will someday be a farmer." So with a blink of the genies eye *POOF, the land was forever fertile. Osama bin Laden says, “I want a wall completely surrounding Afghanistan so that no Infidels, Jews, or Americans can get in." Again with a blink of the genies eye *POOF, there was a wall around Afghanistan. Uncle Sam asks, “I’m curious about this wall, please tell me more." "Well" says the genie, “the wall is about 15,000 feet high and 500 feet thick, it is practically impenetrable." So Uncle Sam says, “Fill it with water."
God and Adam Are Discussing Women…
Adam says to God, “God, why did you make women so soft?”
God says, “So that you will like them.”
Adam says, “God, why did you make women so warm and cuddly?”
God says, “So that you will like them.”
Adam says to God, “But, God, why did you make them so stupid?”
God says, “So that they will like you.”
Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
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