A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says.
“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced.
Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Sorted!
They’re coming for Christmas - and they’re paying their own way.

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My daughter asked if I could help her explain the concept of “modern math” to her youngest. I said sure, he just needs practical life experience and he’ll understand.

Just take him to the store, pass it a few times, then circle it once or twice before you pull into the parking lot.

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Sardar Ji's wife was lying on her deathbed, and taking his hand lovingly in her own, she said " Sardar Ji, I want you to get married after I die, don’t mope around alone. But promise me you will not give my clothes to her. Keep them to remind you of our golden days together"
" No I won't " said the sardar" in any case Kalpana is a head taller than you"

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Dad: "Can I see your report card, son?"
Son: "I don't have it."
Dad: "Why?"
Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."

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“So”, thundered Larry’s furious father, “you’ve been expelled from college, have you?
“Yes, Dad. I am a fugitive from a brain gang.”

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"Dad, where did I come from?" asks this 10-years-old. The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son. When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, "I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from."

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It's dinner time. Mom tell her 4 year old son to give a call to his dad to get home early for dinner together.


Mom: "Son, please give your father a call and tell him to come back early, we'll having dinner together"

Son: "Yes ,mom."

A moment later...dialing...

Son:" Mom...someone had pick up the call...but..."

Mom: "But what?"

Son: "It sounds like a..."

Mom: "Any problem with that?"

Son:"No mom..."

Mom: "So?"

Son: "hmm..."

Mom: "Make sure tell your dad to come back early..."

Son: "Yeah...but...that's not dad, is...a women's voice..."

Mom:"What!!!"

His mom getting angry with this... Soon,daddy went home.

Dad:"Hey darling,I'm back..."

Mom(angry): "MAKE SURE TO CLEAN YOURSELF FIRST! DON'T TRY TO LIE IN THIS FAMILY!!!"

Dad: "Hey??? What I've done....?"

They argue for a long time... Dad goes straight to his room and mom sits on the sofa.

After a while...

Son: "Mom, please don't angry..."

Mom: "Your father betrayed us, he had another women... (mom crying)

Son:"Don't cry mom, father won't leave us and the women told me to try later..."

Mom: "Gosh!!! what else she told you?"

Son: She told me that, "The number you've dial is out of coverage, please try later."

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Growing up, I was really jealous of my best friend. His grandmother lived in a two story house which he went over to visit quite often.

My grandmother lived in a one story house.

The only story I ever heard was "The Little Engine That Could", OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

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A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.

“What’s the matter son?” asked his mother.

“Aw, gee,” said the boy, “it’s my marks. They’re all wet.”

“What do you mean, 'all wet'?” she asks.

“I mean,” he replied, “well below C-level.”

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One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black, had a frog hop onto her desk and say, "I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan." Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said, "I'm sorry, we don't loan money to frogs." To which the frog replied, "I have collateral," as he handed her a small ceramic trinket. Not wanting to be impolite, Patty said, "I don't know. I'll have to talk to the bank manager."

She walked back to the manager's office and said, "There is a frog out here, asking for a lily-pad improvement loan, and this trinket is all he has for collateral." The bank manager picked up the trinket and looked at it carefully. Then smiling he turned to Patty and said, "Why it's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan."

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Cassie was a really good mom. When her children were growing up, her one son gave her more "stop and count to 10" moments than any of the others.

Once, after her small son fell into the pond and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Cassie sent him to his room while she washed and dried his clothes.

A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out, "Are you out there wetting your pants again?!?!"

There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."

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