I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid.

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A man takes his son tiger hunting. They’re creeping through the weeds and the man says, “Son, this hunt marks your passage into manhood. Do you have any questions? And the boy says, “Yes, if the tiger kills you, how do I get home?”

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Louis Van Gaal has said he doesn’t care where Danny Welbeck plays, as long as it’s not for a top 6 side.

Looks like he’s staying at Manchester United then.
 

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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

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What do you call a sold-out Demolition Derby event?

A smashing success!

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Larry took Barb, his girlfriend, to her first football game. Afterwards, he asked her how she liked the game. “I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for twenty-five cents,” she asked.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!’”

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An announcement at the local ice skating rink: "Will the lady that left 6 kids on the ice rink, please pick them up. THEY ARE MAKING OUR PROFESSIONAL HOCKEY TEAM LOOK BAD!"

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Wembley tannoy announcement:-
“Please could Wayne Rooney please leave the building via the Southgate”

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Did you hear about the politically correct country club?
They no longer refer to their golfers as having handicaps.
Instead they're "stroke challenged"

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A fisherman began to drill a hole in the ice to fish when a voice called out, "You can't fish there."

He moved the drill a few feet and began to drill again and the voice repeated, "You can't fish there either."

After three more attempts he yelled, "Why can't I fish here?"

"You can't fish anywhere here, this is an ice rink."

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Q: How does David Beckham change a light bulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.

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