Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
If the 9+10=21 kid was Chinese:
Guy: You stupid!
Kid: No I'm not!
Guy: What's 9+10?
Kid: Twenty wang.
A teacher tells the class if they can get the right answer to a question that will be asked every Friday, they can get the Monday off. The first Friday, she asks the class, "How many stars are in the universe?" No one can answer. The next Friday, she asks, "How many grains of sand are on Miami Beach?" Again, no one can answer. Finally, a boy gets a bag full of ping-pong balls painted black. The teacher on the 3rd Friday says, "Now for your question..." and the boys purposely spills the bag of ping pong balls everywhere. The teacher madly asks, "Who's the comedian with the black balls?" The boys replies, "Bill Cosby! See you Tuesday!"
An actor had been out of work for years because he always forgot his lines. One day he got a phone call from a director who wanted him for an important part in a play. All the actor had to say was, “Hark! I hear the cannon roar!"
Opening night arrived, and while he waited in the wings, the actor muttered to himself, “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar!" The time for the entrance finally came. As the actor made his appearance onstage, he heard a loud BOOOOM! He turned around and said, “What the heck was that?”
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested
no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, and I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
Ladies and gentlemen, if there's anybody here this afternoon who's feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it's probably because you have just got married to (NAME).
There was a boy who couldn't say words properly, but his mum still trusted the boy to go shopping.
"son i need you to buy us a bun, a bucket and a cocker spaniel"
the boy said "ok be right back"
So the boy went to the bakery store and he went to the man in the front and asked "sir do you have a bum?" the man said " you mean a bun?"
and the boy said "yes a bum." so he bought it and moved on to the next store, he asked the man working there, "sir can i have a f*cket?" and the man said "ohh~~ do you mean a 'bucket'?" and so the boy doesn't bother and says "yes, a f*cket..."
He goes to the pet store and asks "Do you have a cock and spankit?", the owner said, "excuse me? do you mean a cocker spaniel" the boy just says "yes a cock and spankit..." so recieved all of the items that his mum told him to buy.
He moves onto the bus stop waiting for the bus, a woman was next to him smiling to him nicely, finally the bus came, he entered the bus and noticed he was missing an item, he was missing the cocker spaniel, it was still at the bus stop, so he says to the woman "excuse me, Can you hold onto my bum and f*cket, while i get my cock and spankit...."
Teacher: " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
I went on the Splash Mountain roller coaster and the woman next to me wouldn’t stop screaming her fool head off. …
Seriously, it was like she’d never seen a pεnis before.