A Sailor sent an e-mail to his wife, informing her that his ship would be returning from deployment a day early.
Arriving home, he found his wife with another man.
Upset, he stormed off and got a room at the Navy Lodge to decide what to do next.
His thoughts were interrupted by a call from his mother-in-law.
"Bill" she said, "I checked with my daughter and, as I expected, there is a perfectly good explanation for this whole episode."
"This I've got to hear," the Sailor said.
"It was an honest mistake," the mother-in -law said. " She never got your e-mail!"

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Q: What did the Dorito say to the other Dorito.
A: I can't tell you it was to cheesy.

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3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome.
So next time someone calls you handsome, don't take it as a compliment!

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If you understand English, press 1.
If you do not understand English, press 2.

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The only thing I have to offer men is that I don't ask questions during a movie.

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Q: How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
A: She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

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Since my girlfriend discovered out the eyeroll and tongue sticking emojis she doesn't have to type words anymore.

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You mama so bugle one detection went the other derection.

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Q: What are the three words you never wanna hear whilst having sex?
A: "Honey I'm home."

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Say what you want about deaf people...

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English Class Teacher: "One day we will be corruption free. Which tense is it?"
Student: "Future impossible tense."

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