Yo' Mama is like a saint -- a St. Bernard.

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Once Odhiambo a dark kenyan man was travelling to london by air sitting next to a white lady with his pet monkey.
Oodhiambo stood up and went to the washrooms and when he came back he found his bunch of bananas missing.
He asked the white lady "Sorry your brother here ate them all" she said while patting the monkey.
After a while the lady got up and went to the washroom to come back and find his pet monkey dead
She inquired on the matter, Odhiambo camly replied "I killed it."
"Why?" asked the lady.
He replied "This is family matter it doesnt concern you."

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There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."

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Once upon a time there were three little pigs.
The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house."
So the stick pig let the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the bricks pigs' house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down."
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up.
The wolf said "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared!
But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black stretch limo pulls up.
Out step three pigs named Louie, Vito,and Dominic.
These pigs came over to the wolf, grabbed him by the neck and beat the living heck out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in the wolf's mouth and fired.
Then they got back into their limo and drove off.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!
"Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.
"Those were my cousins from North Jersey--the Guinea Pigs."

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I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard.
I'm going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That'll blow his little mind.

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Chuck Norris can mess with the bull without getting the horns.

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A plowhorse, a honeybee and an old geezer are debating about which of them is the greatest.

The horse says, "I can plow all day long to provide food for dozens of people!"
"
The bee says, "I pollinate all the plants every year and make honey besides!" 

The old geezer says...
(We're waiting...)

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Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, lawyer is always the third thing they look up?
Because the first thing a child looks up is dog.
The second is snake.
And under snake, the encyclopedia says See Lawyer.

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A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly starts to leave.
“Wait,” says the woman. “You owe me money,”
“For what?”
The woman rolls her eyes and explains, “I’m a prostitute.”
The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: “Prostitute: Has sex for money.”
The panda says, “I don’t have to pay you. I’m a panda - look it up.” She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.
The woman looks up “panda” in the dictionary. It says, “Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”

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If you think dogs can’t count, Put 3 biscuits in your pocket then give him only 2.

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I flew out here on Southwest Airlines. Southwest has a plane that's painted like Shamu the whale from Sea World. Yeah, that'll be easy to find if that went down in the ocean. That'll be nice, when you're trying to get out and a real whale's humping your window.

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