A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their rowboat. Twelve o'clock rolls around, and one of the deacons notices a nice spot on the bank to have lunch. He turns to the others and says, "That looks like a nice spot for lunch. What do you say we have lunch over there?"
The other deacon agrees, and so does the pastor. The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to the bank. The pastor looks on with amazement, and thinks to himself, if his deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.
The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon. Again, to his amazement, the pastor thinks again, if his second deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.
The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and sinks into the water. The first deacon turns to the second and says, "Think we should have told him where the rocks are?"
When Paddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals. Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Paddy asked, "Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough payment for the dog's funeral?" The preacher relied, "Dearest Paddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog was a Catholic?"
Three Vicars and their wives are all killed in the same accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter tells the first Vicar: “You’ll have to go through Purgatory first - I know you’re a vicar, but you loved booze. That’s why you married a woman named Brandy.” So they go off, and St Peter tells the second vicar: “You’ll have to go through Purgatory first - I know you’re a vicar, but you loved money. That’s why you married a woman named Penny.” When they go, St Peter tells the third vicar: “You’ll have to go through Purgatory first…” The third vicar replies: “I know,” turns to his wife and says: “Come on, Fanny.”
Lost In The Desert
There’s this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks.
One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.
The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.
Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.
On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, “Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?”
The missionary says, “Sure but there is a special thing about this horse.
You have to say ‘Thank God’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.”
Not paying much attention, the man says, “Sure, ok.”
So, he gets on the horse and says, “Thank God” and the horse starts walking. Then he says, “Thank God, Thank God, ” and the horse starts trotting.
Feeling really brave, the man say, “Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God” and the horse just literally takes off.
Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop. “Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!”
Finally he remembers, “AMEN!!”
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff.
The man leans back in the saddle and says, “Thank God”.
A Catholic Priest and a little altar boy are walking into some dark, spooky, abandoned woods.
The altar boy says, “Father, I’m scared.”
The priest says “You’re scared? I’m going to have to come back this way on my own.”
"Did you know Job spoke when he was a very small baby?"
"Where does it say that?"
"It says, 'Job cursed the day he was born.'"
A child at a Christian school was studying the early days of Mormonism in his class. He wrote on his paper,
“The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called polygamy. But we believe in having only one wife. This is called monotony”
Three religious leaders walk into a bar. A Pastor, a Rabbi and a Baptist minister.
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke???"