My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”
“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.
Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”
“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number
Jill had been divorced for a few years and, very lonely, finally consented to going out on a date with John, the gentleman her son fixed her up with.
John picked her up and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot.
John also had been divorced for a long time and found himself very attracted to Jill, and despite her resistance at first to his advances, he finally was able to make love to her.
Jill was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed, “I don’t know how I can face my son, knowing that in a time of weakness I sinned twice!”
John said, “What do you mean ‘twice’? We only did it once!”
Jill looked at John and said, “Well, we’re going to do it again, aren’t we?
Naomi was becoming frustrated with her husband Thomas frequent demand for sex, she then decided to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the number of times they’ll have to make love for the rest of their marriage.
While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper,
“Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter ‘T’, to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don’t be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you.”
On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accept her proposal when he reads it.
Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator
and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband Thomas and the note read,
“Baby, I didn’t realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I’m sorry.I accept your proposal and have even taken an extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter ‘T’ to make sure that we are on the same page.
Please honey. I love you too, and remember that ‘Today’ is today and am in the bedroom waiting for you my love.”
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems”, Linda told her friend. …
“That’s amazing!” Mary replied, “So have Tom and I.” …
“ We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist”, said Linda. ….
“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!”, responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?” …
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. “So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?”, Mary asked.
“Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you,” he said. “But doctor,” Mary complained, “you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?” “Well, OK,” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios…..”
My new blow up doll I got for christmas has put on weight already after all the christmas festivities.
Maybe I should empty her!
Bill was embarking on a long trip and decides his wife should wear a locked steel underwear so that she wouldn’t cheat on him.
He locks the underwear and gives the key to his best friend Edward saying, “Bro, if I don’t come back in 4 years, set her free”.
Bill was only 30 minutes into his journey when he sees a cloud of dust behind him.
It was Edward running after him.
“What’s wrong?” Bill asked.
Edward, still panting says, “You gave me the wrong key!
Sex is like snow: you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
Small boy to friend: ‘What would you do if a girl kissed you?’
Friend: ‘I’d kiss her back. What would you do?’
Small boy: ‘I’d kiss her front.’
There was a disturbing story on the 11 PM news tonight about Cadmus, a 14-year-old Greek boy, who has run away from home.
Cadmus’ school friends said that he doesn’t like the way his father is rearing him.
A farm boy who had just finished his schooling on the farm, was sent by his Ma and Pa to the big city to go to college.
The first thing the boy does when he gets to town, is go to find a whorehouse.
He goes inside to talk to the madam about getting a girl.
She leads him upstairs, opens the door to a room and tells him to sit and wait for the girl to arrive.
After several minutes of anxious waiting, a young, blonde prostitute comes in.
The boy is beside himself, and he leaps up from the bed, grabs the television, and throws it out the window.
The girl thinks this is odd behavior, but she shrugs it off, and begins to undress.
As she strips, the farmboy runs over, grabs the night stand and throws it out the window.
Again the girl thinks this is odd, but being an experienced hooker, she figures it's a fetish and continues disrobing.
The girl removes her panties, and with that, the farm boy grabs the entire bed and starts lugging it toward the window.
The girl, figuring this is one even she hasn't heard of, finally asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The farm boy replies, "Ah ain't never been with no woman before but, if it's anythin' like fuckin' sheep, we gonna need all the room we can git."