An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested
no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, and I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

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Ladies and gentlemen, if there's anybody here this afternoon who's feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it's probably because you have just got married to (NAME).

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Women are the quickest to learn the three R’s. This is R’s, that’s R’s, everything’s R’s.

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There was a boy who couldn't say words properly, but his mum still trusted the boy to go shopping.
"son i need you to buy us a bun, a bucket and a cocker spaniel"
the boy said "ok be right back"

So the boy went to the bakery store and he went to the man in the front and asked "sir do you have a bum?" the man said " you mean a bun?"
and the boy said "yes a bum." so he bought it and moved on to the next store, he asked the man working there, "sir can i have a f*cket?" and the man said "ohh~~ do you mean a 'bucket'?" and so the boy doesn't bother and says "yes, a f*cket..."
He goes to the pet store and asks "Do you have a cock and spankit?", the owner said, "excuse me? do you mean a cocker spaniel" the boy just says "yes a cock and spankit..." so recieved all of the items that his mum told him to buy.

He moves onto the bus stop waiting for the bus, a woman was next to him smiling to him nicely, finally the bus came, he entered the bus and noticed he was missing an item, he was missing the cocker spaniel, it was still at the bus stop, so he says to the woman "excuse me, Can you hold onto my bum and f*cket, while i get my cock and spankit...."

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Teacher: " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

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I went on the Splash Mountain roller coaster and the woman next to me wouldn’t stop screaming her fool head off. …
Seriously, it was like she’d never seen a pεnis before.

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Just quit my job at the cemetery … It was a dead-end job.

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She said to the boutique manager:
"Do you mind if I try on that red dress in the window?"
He said: "Sure - can't be bad for business!"

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Yesterday I asked my daughter for a newspaper and she passed me an iPad because apparently newspapers are “old school”. She was right, the fly didn’t stand a chance.

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Is there by any chance of you being Athletic??
Yeah, I Surf the Web.....

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Me: Knock! Knock!
Friend: Who's There?
Me: Daisy! Friend: Daisy Who?
Me: Daisy Me Rollin, They Hatin!!
?•??•???

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