A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly starts to leave.
“Wait,” says the woman. “You owe me money,”
“For what?”
The woman rolls her eyes and explains, “I’m a prostitute.”
The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: “Prostitute: Has sex for money.”
The panda says, “I don’t have to pay you. I’m a panda - look it up.” She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.
The woman looks up “panda” in the dictionary. It says, “Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”

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If you think dogs can’t count, Put 3 biscuits in your pocket then give him only 2.

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I flew out here on Southwest Airlines. Southwest has a plane that's painted like Shamu the whale from Sea World. Yeah, that'll be easy to find if that went down in the ocean. That'll be nice, when you're trying to get out and a real whale's humping your window.

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Q: How do you know when it is cold outside?
A: When your dog's d**k is frozen to the fire hydrant.

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Two men are walking in the desert. They come upon a hole in the ground. One man asks, "How deep is that hole?"

The other responds, "I don't know, throw something in it and see how long it takes to hit the bottom."

The other man turns around and finds an anvil. He tosses the anvil into the hole and two seconds later a goat flies by and jumps into the hole. Just then a rancher comes up and asks the men if they had seen his goat.

One man says, "We just saw him jump into this hole!"

The Rancher replied, "That can't be, I had him tied to an anvil!"

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A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!
One day, the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. “You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn’t take a genius to work out what has been going on!”
The missionary replies: “No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”
The chief pauses for a moment then says, “Tell you what, you don’t say anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the white child.”

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How can you tell that elephants have been doing it in your garage?
All your Hefty Bags are missing.

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Me: What happened to you? You don't look so good.

Friend: I got stung by a brose.

Me: There's no b in rose.

Friend: There was in this one!

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A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.
The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.
The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again.
He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies "I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies."

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What do you call a bear with no teeth, a gummy bear!

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(Winking) What's black and white, winks, and screws like a tiger?

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