Staggering through town late last night, when I came across a group of women out celebrating.
I shouted the usual for a laugh, “Show me your tits, girls!”
To my surprise all of them obliged giving me a quick flash before replying back, “Show us your nuts, handsome!”
So, I started licking the lamp post and waving my arms about.

View More

I’ve been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I’m getting pissed off.
It keeps asking me, ‘Where do you want to go?’
So I click on the icon that says ‘Home’ and then it makes me start again.

View

I saw a woman walking alone in the street last night so I stopped beside her.
I said, “Can I give you a lift home?”
“No thanks, I’d rather walk” she replied.
“Is it because I’m a stranger?” I asked.
She said, “No, it’s because you’re on a Segway.”

View

If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.

View

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.

View

My mum always told me, “Never do something that you’ll regret later in life.”
I always thought that it was great advice. So I got it tattooed on my forehead.

View

Well, that was an awkward birthday dinner!
Turns out that MILF doesn’t stand for Mum I’ll Love Forever…

View

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. ….
But he’s not buying it, in fact he’s still making fun of me.

View

I saw an article in the papers saying, “Have you seen this man?” with a little picture of the criminal and a number to call.
I was bored so I rung them up and said, “No, I haven’t.”

View

I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question,--which I got wrong.
The question was, “Where do women have the curliest hair ?”
Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.

View

How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.

View