Did you know Danny Welbeck’s dad was a bomb disposal expert.
His name was Stan Welbeck.

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Q: What kind of cards do donkeys send out near Christmas?

A: Mule-tide greetings.

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Someone just filled me in about those small places in the hot, sandy desert called an “Oasis.” …
That’s where the Arab boys go to eat their dates.

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Why are buildings called buildings if they're finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

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I can’t remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals… fcuking livid

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My wife has eczema on her Boobs.
She has a cracking pear of Tits.

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I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom.
You know, to make it more classy.

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Why is it that everyone is so worn out on April 01?

They have just endured a March of 31 days!

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Big explosion in a paint factory tonight, 10 people missing, presumed red.

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I’d had enough. I decided to kill my wife.
But I couldn’t do it myself, and I needed an airtight alibi, so I asked around. I eventually heard of a big guy named Arty who kills people for $1. All you have to do is give him a picture and place of work. I found him, gave him the dollar and a picture of my old battleaxe.
“She works at the Orlando Walmart on Princeton Street,” I said.
He just shook his head, got up, and left. Just like that. I drove to a bar in Clermont Florida so I could establish my alibi. I wasn’t there, of course, but people say he grabbed her by the throat and started choking her. It wasn’t long before a security guard rushed over. Arty was so big he grabbed both of them. One neck per hand. And killed both the security guard and my wife.
It’s hard to believe but it’s true. They even ran a big story about it in the local newspaper:
“Arty chokes 2 for $1 at Walmart.”

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What do you call when you cross a detective with an electrician ?
Sherlock Ohms

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