I went on the Splash Mountain roller coaster and the woman next to me wouldn’t stop screaming her fool head off. …
Seriously, it was like she’d never seen a pεnis before.

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Just quit my job at the cemetery … It was a dead-end job.

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She said to the boutique manager:
"Do you mind if I try on that red dress in the window?"
He said: "Sure - can't be bad for business!"

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Yesterday I asked my daughter for a newspaper and she passed me an iPad because apparently newspapers are “old school”. She was right, the fly didn’t stand a chance.

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Is there by any chance of you being Athletic??
Yeah, I Surf the Web.....

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Me: Knock! Knock!
Friend: Who's There?
Me: Daisy! Friend: Daisy Who?
Me: Daisy Me Rollin, They Hatin!!
?•??•???

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One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local pharmacy. And while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for my seven-year-old son and me.
It was a bag of gold coins (gold foil-covered chocolate candy coins).
There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home. Then my son and I opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.
The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that our son had picked up a Gold Coin condom. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the pharmacist: “What’s this?”
The woman, looking very serious, said: “That’s a condom, son.”
To which my son replied: “My daddy bought me some of these yesterday!”
With a disgusted look on her face, the pharmacist replied: “Those are NOT for children, young man.”
And finally, my son replied: “Then I’ll buy this one for my Daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones!”
===

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Q: Did your hear about the man with no arms and no legs who swam across a swimming pool?
A: They call him clever dick.

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What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? "Honey, I'm home!"

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dad: son get me a drink!

son: juice or pepsi?

dad: pepsi

son: hot or cold?

dad: cold!

son: sweet or salty?

dad: damn it just get me water!

son: still or mineral?

dad: MINERAL!

son: minty or normal?

dad: im gonna kill you!

son: head or body?

dad: head!

son: shotgun or knife?

dad: $%&?!)$&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.”
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”
“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat... naked.

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