What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? "Honey, I'm home!"
dad: son get me a drink!
son: juice or pepsi?
son: hot or cold?
son: sweet or salty?
dad: damn it just get me water!
son: still or mineral?
son: minty or normal?
dad: im gonna kill you!
son: head or body?
son: shotgun or knife?
Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.”
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”
“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat... naked.
A preacher was standing at the pulpit giving his Sunday sermon when a note was passed to him. The only word written on the sheet was IDIOT. Looking up at the congregation, the preacher smiled and said: I have heard of men who write letters and forget to sign their names but this is the first time I will see a man sign his name and forget to write the letters.
Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent when you go to settlement on your new home:
1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden."
2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground."
3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hells Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."
4. "One bleeding mirror doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."
5. "Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees."
6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property."
7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity."
8. "Did you know that the punk band 'Grave Robber' holds their practice sessions right next door?"
9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder."
10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."
A man arrived at work one morning wearing a good sized diamond ring.
One of his co-workers noticed the sparkler and asked about it.
The man explained, “My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!"
I can’t resist a bargain. So, when I saw that it was buy one box of tissues get two free at the supermarket I filled my trolley up.
Thinking about it now, I probably looked like a bit of a wanker.
You must think with a clean mind: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down, a dog does with his leg lifted?
Why shake hands...
Do you ever wonder why when you say, "I have no idea what just happened," people say, "What happened?"
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?."
The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?"
Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs.". By -arthur