When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

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How do you know when Santa's in the room? You can sense his presents.

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‘Man dies after slipping on ice while visiting his mother’s grave on Christmas Day’
Yet another instance of the mayhem a woman can cause by being out of the kitchen.

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Is your name Jingle Bells, cause you look like you go all the way

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T’WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS        
AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE                          
EVERYBODY FELT SHITTY
EVEN THE MOUSE…    
                                              
               
MUM AT THE WHOREHOUSE
AND DAD SMOKING GRASS
I’D JUST SETTLED DOWN
FOR A NICE PIECE OF ASS
                  
WHEN OUT ON THE LAWN
I HEARD SUCH A CLATTER
I SPRUNG FROM MY PLACE
TO SEE WHAT’S THE MATTER
                   
THEN OUT ON THE LAWN
I SAW A BIG DICK
I KNEW AT THAT MOMENT
IT MUST BE SAINT NICK…
                     
HE CAME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL
I KNEW AT THAT MOMENT
THE FUCKER HAD FELL
                       
HE FILLED ALL OUR STOCKINGS
WITH PRETZELS AND BEER
AND A BIG RUBBER DICK
FOR MY BROTHER THE QUEER
                       
HE ROSE UP THE CHIMNEY
WITH A THUNDEROUS FART
THE SON OF A BITCH
BLEW THE CHIMNEY APART
HE SWORE AND HE CURSED
AS HE RODE OUT OF SIGHT
PISS ON YOU ALL
AND HAVE A HELL OF A NIGHT!!!!

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If u wake up on christmas morning wit a weird taste in ur mouth…..remember santa only cums once a year

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What does Santa say when he is sick? OH OH NO!

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Q: What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?
A: They both have balls just for decoration.

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Every Christmas I’d come running downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as I could.
Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later and sit down to have a three hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day.
I really miss working at the Royal Mail sorting office.

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What’s the difference between a Scouser and The Grinch?
The Grinch only steals things at Christmas.

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Woke up early and punched the missus in the face,
This woke the kids up so I gave them a couple of jabs on the stomach,
The dog came running in so I gave him an uppercut.
I fucking love Boxing Day

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